I am titanium. Nothing to loose.

New day, new hope, some days are good some days are bad...  Today I am titanium. So strong. Nothing can kill me. I have destroyed everything I had. I am watching at the pictures hanging on my wall.

Happy faces. Happy me, happy kids, happy husband. Radiant eyes, radiant smiles, everything was possible, everything as long as we were together. Such happiness, such beauty. I destroyed everything. No way back. Shouldn't be. Where are those people? Where have they gone? Where have I gone? There is never a way back. But sometimes I wish that. I wish I could be happy again. I wish I could make everyone happy again. I wish I had never hurt anybody. I wish I had never lived. So much pain I have given, so many dreams I have destroyed. Please forgive me.

Last year I betrayed my husband with a college from work, during almost a whole year. I only wanted to live a little bit more, but I felt in love and I just couldn't stop it. That's how it started... hiding, living, running, living, hiding, loving, rushing, living, feeling, always busy, always hiding, running, living... I lost weight, I was happy, butterflies flying inside me, such a feeling, didn't remember how beautiful it could be to fall in love.

I had been for 7 years with my husband, never had sex with anybody else. I needed to know and it killed me. Started eating stinky cheese on the road home to cover the alcohol smell from the evening with my lover, with my soulmate, started eating because I felt miserable when I came home. Started to eat to have the weekend flying away, happy mondays, crying saturdays.... Gained weight, gained more and more, tried to vomit it a couple of times... didn't work...

Break of with my lover, my soulmate because I couldn't stand my husband touching me anymore. Such pain, such agony, I eat, I started smoking, killing the pain, trying to live, trying to feel, feeling me up, my sleeping pills, nicotine, food.... and once I vomited, I managed.

Started with my lover again, couldn't stand the pain of seeing him everyday without touching him. Followed on, living, running, loving, rushing, drinking, eaten, vomiting, living, running, vomiting, living, loving... until it destroyed me and I couldn't anymore. Broke of with my lover, told my husband, wanted to die, couldn't stand the pain, didn't kill myself to don't fuck up my kids even more than I already did... And now we are a broke family, no more love, stressed kids, no more loving eyes, only left over pictures.

Where are all those happy people on the pictures? I killed them, I  killed them all. But today I am titanium. It will get better I want to believe. It will never be good again, never as good as it used to be, but obviously it was doomed to end, nobody is happy forever.

Bitch, bad mother. That's me. But I fight, I fight for me, I fight for them, I fight to be.

Why am I not willing to fight anymore?

I don't know... I hardly manage to have a day without vomiting again... I just don't want to fight it... Why????

Maybe I am willing to be sad, maybe I am looking for a reason to say my life is shit... I am even afraid to read trough my blog again, afraid I will read how happy I was when I was fighting...

Maybe it is the only thing that I have left... Eating eating eating , pleasure pleasure pleasure... The only one I have for me and nobody can take it away... It is mine. My B, my Ed, always here to momentarily make me feel better... And I want to feel good all the time, I don't want to fight in the hope it will be better tomorrow...

I want to live now, I want now, I want everything now!!! Now? NOW!!!! How fucked up is that??? Eat and live all at the same time, as fast as possible, all together so nobody can take it away, all at the same time because maybe I'll be dead tomorrow... How fucked up is that???

I had sex the other day, with a guy I didn't know, he was sweet and cute... It was the first time I had sex with somebody I was not in love with... I was pretty freaked out, but well it went pretty good and after no single willing of sex in 6 months, I really needed something like that...

Anyway... Why am I not fighting? Why should I fight? Why will it be better? Right now it seems pretty ok, a bit of vomiting, a lot of eating, still time to do other things..

Why should I stop? I don't remember... I lost the way... Which way? Where is the way? Is there a way? I don't remember. I am lost. Please help me.

Mood swings and milkmachine... Prozac side effects...

Trying to eat healthy: day 91

Eating healthy: I dont' coun't that anymore ;) I don't want to eat healthy, I just want to eat what I feel like (and I never manage... but I still try)

Vomit free: 30 hours

Top score vomit free: 16 days

Blog: day 89

Prozac 20 mg: day 29

No sleeping pills: day 49

No alcohol: 2 hours ;)

No cigarette: 1 hour

I am not trying to give up smoking and drinking (yet) by the way, I am only trying to give up on B.

Yesterday I noticed that my mood swings are more sudden than before, one second I want to lie dow, never wake up, die and the next one I am the most happy person in the world, everythings tastes, shines, flowers are beautiful, i love the wind... Probably side effects from taking prozac (fluoxetin)? My psychistrist prescribed it because it is supposed to help with eating disorders...

Another prozac side effect... I am not a pig... i am a cow, milk is leaking from my breasts... Big fat cow... ;)

Heavenly fish with mango paprika salad, guacamole and spicy beans...

Made my day... (recipe invented on a rainy afternoon)

You will need for 2 people

2 red paprika
1 mango
2 branches of coriander
1 garlic tooth
1 onion
1 green young onion
1 coffee spoon Paprika
2 coffee spoons Cumin
300 g fish
1 lemon
1 lime
1 avocado
1 tomato
500g green beans
2 table spoons fish sauce
3 table spoons soya sauce
1 little chili
A finger of fresh ginger

Mix red paprika, garlic and one chopped onion, rub the fish with the mixture. Cook fish for 15 min in oven (or until cooked).

Cut mango and red paprika in squares. Chop coriander, add juice of 1/2 lemon, some sweetener (or sugar), fish sauce (from chinese store). Mix with the mango and paprika.

Cut 1 tomato and the green of an onion in squares. Smash 1 avocado. Mix tomato, onion, avocado with the juice of 1/2 lime and freshly ground cumin. Add some salt.

Cook the green beans until they are soft but still crunchy. Blend a finger big piece of ginger with 1/2 chili, 1/2 green onion and the soya sauce. Add to the beans.

Enjoy...

Everything fat free (sorry I do not manage to eat fat yet). You can also add a good olive oil to the fish and mango salad and some sesame oil to the beans.

I want to die today...

Useless, hopeless, just harming every one around me... I wish I just would never wake up again.

I am so tired.

Tired to fight. Tired to fight so much, not knowing what am I fighting for.

What am I fighting for?

Who am I?

What do I want?

Can I be ME and get what I want without harming every one around me?

What am I fighting for?

I want to die. I want to fly. Forever.

But I can't.

Looser! Winner? I missed you B....

16 days vomit free... But no surprise... failed again, vomited on friday and today as well... I have to get on the recovery road again....

But I remembered what I loved so much about it, one gets to forget it, because one is so aware of the negative aspects the more ill one is... But now that I felt almost healthy again, I remembered how easy and beautiful it is to eat too much, how free it feels to vomit, how releasing it is not to count what one is eating, not to think should I or shouldn't I?

Just to think I want this so I eat this... So beautiful.... That's my goal... That's where I want to go, eat things because I feel like it and just don't count, just don't think 3 times about it, just enjoy totally guilt free and just don't vomit it afterwards... I know that goal is far away, but maybe next time I hold more than 20 days, then next time I will get a little closer to my goal. And maybe some day I will manage...

How to get on the road to anorexia.

That's another how to guide, but I will write it on some other day. I think I know a little bit and fortunately by now not yet too much of it. I hope I will never find out more. Anyway....

Today counting day 13. I am proud of myself.

 Somehow I expect a big miracle on day 14, that's partially what keeps me going, my psycholog told me when you manage 14 days, you are almost out of B and if you manage 14 days twice in a row (so 28 days) then you are really really almost out :) So I hope for the big miracle, but I can fell there will not be any big miracle, I can feel the change creeping inside my soul slowly, and sometimes it scares the shit of me and sometimes it makes me happy.

How to puke easier? A guide to bulimia.

I remembered when I googled that 1 year ago and 2 years ago and 10 years ago. Tried it 10 years ago, 2 years ago, it never worked, well I tried sticking my fingers twice in my month and decided it's not working. Tried it 1 year ago, tried hard, tried harder, even harder... and see... it worked. I puked.

I wish it would have never found out.

I remember thinking "you have to suffer to be beautiful"... a stupid sentence my stepmother told me when I was 8 years old and that never really left my mind since...

And oh.. god, I suffered... My throat was bleeding, my eyes were falling out of their orbits, I was tired. But I did it! I did it! Finally! Now I could eat everything I always wanted! And for sure that was true... I could eat what I had always wanted... I just did not know I could possibly want so much of it.

 And at first, that's how it starts, that's why we all get so appealed by it. We think we can control it, we just eat too much now and then we just puke a little now and then. Just a little bit for the days where we could not control ourselves... Then one day, you plan it, you go shopping, you go shopping for all the crap you always wanted to eat and forbid yourself because you are on a diet. You eat it, you puke it.

Everything seems ok, the world is beautiful, you are beautiful, you have control over everything, even your own body, you decide what goes in and what goes out of it and by which means, until the day where yo do not decide anything anymore.

Until the day you eat and puke 3 times a day, your cheeks look like the ones of a hamster from the inflamed salivary glands, your hair falls off, your eyes are periodically blood red from little vesicles that pop while you are purging, your nails break off, your throat is bleeding. You feel ugly, from inside, from outside, you are actually thinner than you ever wanted to be but it doesn't matter. You are still ugly, you ugly little pig... you big ugly fat pig...

You feel ugly. You feel ugly because you just went into your neighbors office and stole his chocolate bar, eat it in a second, then you moved to the snack machines, got 10 more chocolate bars, ate them... Run to the supermarket, you need to eat, you need to eat, fast, faster, the food shouldn't stay too long in your stomach. On the road you see a half eaten sausage somebody dropped, you pick it up and eat it. Stones on it? Doesn't matter, you'll puke it anyway. You buy an extra large pack of chocolate ice-cream, 500g of bread, cheese, ham, salami, 3 cookie packs, milk (to flush it all), more chocolate, white, black, brown, caramel, candies, a pizza that should get warmed up (you do not need to warm that up, it doesn't matter there if there is no oven around). Maybe a pack of chips as well? and some nuts? But well ok, a little package then, one that you can put in your pocket without anybody noticing it, you don't have to pay for everything... you are buying so much anyway...

 And if you are thinking, no way I can eat that much, no way all that food fits into one single person. I weighted 56 kg when I was eating like this, and I can tell you... it fits! Your stomach gets so big, you can not imagine, the stomach is so flexible, the normal content of a normal person is 1 to 3 L, for me it reached 15 L! How do I know it? I measured it? Measured what? The food I have eaten? No way, I was too busy engulfing it. I measured the vomit. Puked in a bucket, thrashed the vomit, filled another bucket with puke. Went to the kitchen, got a measuring pot and measured it, before I flushed it down the toilet.

But let's go back to the story. You are in the supermarket. You pray you do not see anybody you know. But still it is ok, if you meet anybody, you can say your kids have some friends coming over, that's why you are buying all that crap. You'll be a bad mother, but they won't know you are a pig. By the time you are paying, you have eaten one cookie pack and a chocolate, you couldn't wait to  keep on eating. The seller tells you " Oh wow, you were hungry!" and you say "Yes i didn't have lunch today, did some sports" and you feel like trash, you ugly pig.

Then if you are like me and you can't most of the time eat and throw up at home, then you find yourself a nice and comfortable toilet, the ones for handicapped people are the best, nobody can disturb you. You undress. You sit on the floor. You eat, you eat like a big fat pig, you eat the ice-cream with your fingers, because you forgot about the spoon, then you spoon the ice cream with some cheese, you eat and eat. Throw in the nuts, some chips, a little soda, put the cookies in the milk, so they get softer, you can swallow them faster like that. A piece of bread, some salami, 1o candies, a bar of chocolate. You eat so fast, you don't chew, you don't taste it anymore. The food splashes on your face, on your stomach, on your legs. That's why you undress, Haha! Somebody knocks on the toilet door, Oh NO! you must eat even faster, a sip of milk, a loaf of bread, you have the chocolate (pre)melting on your body because it tastes better like that and you don't have time to let it melt in your mouth.... Still half the bread left, soak it in the milk, eat it eat, eat faster, a peace of chocolate felt down and you see it under the toilet sit, eat it, eat it. Hurra! You made it, you are dirty like a pig, trash is everywhere on the toilet floor, but you managed to push all that stuff down your throat in 10 min!

Sometimes you eat a little too much (Haha! I mean a little too much than too much) such that you think you will die, you feel you are going to explode any moment and then you get scared and you want to get it out and you are so scared, you put your fingers down your throat and it doesn't work, it never works when you are scared. So you panic, you panic, you panic but you keep on putting your fingers in your throat and you are already bleeding and you have only vomited a 100 ml, and it doestn't work and you think now I will die for sure, and somebody will find me when I start to stink and they will come in and find me dead in the middle of the puke and the food and I will be dirty like a pig and they will all know, so you put your finger in again and eventually, you manage, sometimes it takes you 5 minutes, sometimes it takes you 1.5 hours, but you vomit until nothing is left inside anymore.

But let's go back, slow motion... You just finished your meal and you are covered with chips sticked to the chocolate on your legs and you have ice cream all over your face. You look at yourself in the mirror and think big fat dirty pig! Your look at yourself in the mirror and think you look like you are pregnant, pregnant with death. Your bailey looks so big, it is impressive, and you know how it looks like to be pregnant, you have been pregnant twice for god's sake! But being pregnant was beautiful, this is just ugly, you Monster, you ugly pig, disfigured peace of shit! And you get so mad at yourself and then it suddenly all disappears, you have to get busy, get the food out of your system.

And you sit in front of the toilet and begin... put your finger in and put your finger in and put your finger in and eventually something goes out, then you put your finger in again and some more splashes out, dirties your fingers, the drops fly back from inside the toilet into your face. Now you have ice cream, vomit and the water from the toilet on your face. It doesn't matter, have to get rid of everything, so you put your fingers in your mouth again and vomit some more and some more and some more. Once you think nothing is left inside, you flush it with some water and vomit it and some more water and vomit it, until the water comes clear out of your stomach, then you know, you got rid of everything!

You look at yourself in the mirror, your nose has a big long mucous strip dropping down, you eyes are red, you are covered with food, mucous, toilet and puke. You look at your stomach and you do not look pregnant anymore thanks god. You look at the floor and it is a disaster. Food, vomit, packages everywhere, so you start cleaning... Clean fast before you lick the ice cream leftovers from the toilet floor... You trash the garbage, you suck the ice-cream and the vomit with toilet paper, you rub the floor, you rub the walls, you rub the toilet, you trash all that dirty toilet paper and flush, and sometimes the toilet gets overflown and water starts purring out, so you wait and flush again and wait and flush again, and sometimes you put your hands in the toilet and retrieve all that paper stuck in there and feed it little by little back to the toilet.

Then it is time to clean yourself up. You take the soap and clean yourself as good as you can, you dry yourself. Maybe this time you were lucky and remembered to get a hat with you, so your hair didn't get full of vomit, you don't have to worry about that today. You dress again, you make up, you look beautiful for a moment, so thin and pretty. You go out and hope nobody is waiting outside the toilet.

You sit down in your pretty high heels and your nice skirt on a terrace outside and have a cigarette. Every single man that passes by is looking at you, you are proud. You stand up. And damn you are hungry. You can eat it is ok, just a little bit, just one peace of bread and no more and then you eat 2 peaces and you think OMG, this was way too much!!! I'll get fat again, I need to vomit it, but if I am going to make all that vomiting work, then I should better eat something more, so you walk to the next supermarket, on the road you find a cookie some kid dropped and you eat it... Have to save that cookie, poor little cookie that is laying down on the floor, save me, eat me... and .... and ..... and.....

Well eventually you will also sleep (after taking sleeping pills to which you have somehow become addicted to), because when you try to sleep, most of the time you are hungry, your stomach is empty and you think of all the food you have eaten and all the food you would like to eat, so you take a sleeping pill, so at least you won't be eating more and while you are falling sleeping you are thinking of what you will eat for breakfast tomorrow.

Eventually you will drink (alcohol of course), it makes the effect of the cigarettes you have started to smoke stronger and it helps you fall asleep. Then before you got to bed you will vomit all the alcohol so you don't get the extra alcohol calories for nothing while you sleep.

 Eventually you will feel discussed when you can not stop eating at a party and somebody jokes to you, "There is enough food, you won't starve, didn't you eat anything today?" and you feel so ashamed and tell to yourself, it is a joke it is a joke, I look think, I look thin, but you know you are a disguised disgusting pig.

So eventually you will stop going to parties.

Eventually you will have a fight with your mother, with your husband and you will decide, Fuck this is a  bad day, let's eat.

Eventually you will wake up and your hair looks bad, so you will decide, Fuck this is a bad day, let's eat.

Eventually, you will wake up and it is a bad day so fuck, let's eat.

Eventually, there will be no more good days.

Congratulations! You have won! You have become a big fat pig, you stuff your fingers down your throat, get vomit all around your face, lie to your friends, steal your colleagues chocolate, your parents money to buy some more food, you steal in the supermarket. You lie to your boss to explain why you were just gone for 2 hours (can hardly say you were in the toilet!), miss your kids theater show because you are eating, lie to your kids, to your husband, to your friends. You think of food all the time, of what you can eat, of what you can vomit, of where you can get it and where you can get rid of it. And you are so scared somebody might find out, somebody might see trough your high heels and your perfect make up. You are so unhappy, you have never been so unhappy in your whole life and you wish you would stop and you promise to yourself, I will stop, I will, tomorrow everything will be better. Tomorrow I will stop and I will be a human being again. But tomorrow never comes. At least not unless you really fight for it!

I am a fat winner.

Counting day 10. Never thought I would manage a 2 digits number... I am trying not to count calories (at least not obsessively) and to eat what I want when I want.

Trying to break all my mindset rules. Like no lunch before 11:30. I had lunch once at 10:50 ;) like if I eat something I didn't expect, I just adapt my food plan to it, instead of vomiting it. I feel better, not so moody anymore, I have so much energy I can not believe I was able to move before when I was eating so few. Sometimes I am not hungry, that scares me. Not having to think of food is kind of beautiful but also really scary. There are so many things I can think of, some of them I do not want to think about

I am learning to say no an to ask space for myself. I am enjoying my kids instead of pretending to enjoy them while I secretly put one chocolate after the other in my mouth.

My husband and I decided to stop being a couple an to keep on being parents together. That gave me a lot of space and freedom, such that I felt I can stay home all the time ;) I feel so free I can stay inside my cage.

But well today I feel fat, I looked at myself in the mirror today, naked... I stopped doing that for a while because it scares me to look at myself. I look fat, my stomach is tremendous. No idea how much I weight, I don't do that anymore... Last time I weighted I had 57 kg.

So that's me the big fat winner, winning over B (which I now call Ed, for dissociation purposes, my eating disorder husband... Fuck off Ed). Sometimes proud to win, sometimes missing it so much. Sometimes feeling fat, always feeling guilty, no matter what, I am always guilty, guilty if I eat normal, guilty if I eat too much, guilty if I eat too few...

Fat, guilty winner pig.

Fuck off Ed.!

Managed 4 days without. No big deal, however it feels different, I don't count so much anymore, I enjoy eating and I enjoy cooking again... ;) and when I binge eat and vomit, it is a lot less than I used to. I can eat with my kids again. I enjoy life and when I fail I just try better... So fuck off Ed (that's my Eating Disorder)! Fuck off! I won't go and eat those cookies you are trying to seduce me with!

All good things must come to an end.

I don't want to count, I don't want to know, I don't want to count anything, calories, days, anything... Nothing at all... I just want to live, I just want to feel what I need and follow it and shut the voice in my head down that counts everything for me, that judges everything, oh that was 100 calories too much, you should better keep on eating (and then vomit it) otherwise you will get fat again...

So that it is what I am doing, I am letting it go. I also stopped writing down everything I eat. I stopped taking sleeping pills, I reduced my smoking from 7 cigarettes a day to a cigarette every 2 days...

Last time I vomited was Saturday morning and that means today is only day 2, but it feels like so much more. I feel free because I try not to count or I stop counting during the day when I fear I might get over the calories I allow myself.

I feel strong. I feel alive. My life is boring and it is not perfect and I like it like this.

I am scared to write this down, I am afraid the feeling and the willings and the power will go away once I write it, because when I write it, it means I believe I can make, I believe I can really make it and then when I fail, it will hurt twice as much.

Wonderland. Wonderhungerland. Hungerland. Where is wonderland?

I failed miserably. Vomited once on Thursday,  once on Saturday, 3 times on Sunday, 3 times on Tuesday. But still trying to learn from every failure... my mother is visiting, she is staying with us for 3 weeks. I find it very difficult with her. She is very nice, but she steps in my private space. My husband has learned to respect it and to leave me alone when I need it. I fell like my body is not able anymore to delimit the space between me and the rest of the world like it used to. My body became transparent in some way, such that I feel invaded much easier than I used to, a year ago. When people come too close to me, I feel them inside, I do not want them inside, so I eat, so I vomit. I want to be alone. I want to be left alone. I can't handle proximity.

I am reading a book, I very much advise it to everyone Marya Hornbacher, "Wasted: a Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia". Somehow what I read scares me. Bulimia really fitted my life, I was messy, I had a lover, I had sex, I had passion, I wanted to live everything, love everything, try everything. I wanted to loose control. I was scared of being alone, I was scared of dying. Now I want to be alone, now I want to control, control what I eat, control the calories, always counting, counting, counting. I do not want to have sex, last time I had sex it felt so utterly disgusting I had to cry, I really used to enjoy sex. I just started reading the part on anorexia in Marya's book and it scares me, because it sounds a lot like me, Marya at the beginning of her anorexia and me now. I do not want to be anorexic, I do not want to die. I do not want to die for my children, not for me, because for me most of the time I do not live anymore. I wouldn't care if I would die. But they need me, so I keep on living, keep my body living, because sometimes I think, really, inside I am already dead. The thin shell of a person. 

The only thing is that still makes me fell safe somehow, is that I love my body. I really love my body the way it is now. I love the way men look at me in the street. I love the fascination in their eyes. Anorexic do not love their bodies. I need to talk about this with my counselor, on friday... I do not want to be on the road to anorexia.

Yesterday evening I decided to give up on everything, no more binge eating, no more vomiting, no more cigarettes, no more coke zero, no more fake sugar, no more sleeping pills, no more alcohol, not so much coffee anymore, want to keep it at 3 cups a day (apparently bulimic people use to abbuse other substances, didn't know that... but it fits me, I did not use to have sleeping pills or to smoke or to drink so much coffee or coke before last summer). Live healthy. Mens sana in corpore sano. Maybe if my body gets healthy again, so will I. 

10 little bunnies standin' in a line... (fucking bunnies)

Ten little rabbits standin' in a line,
One toddled home and then there were nine;
Nine little rabbits swingin' on a gate,
One tumbled off and then there were eight.
One little, two little, three little, four little, five little Injun boys,
Six little, seven little, eight little, nine little, ten little Injun boys.
Eight little rabbits gayest under heav'n.
One went to sleep and then there were seven;
Seven little rabbits cuttin' up their tricks,
One broke his neck and then there were six.
Six little rabbits all alive,
One kicked the bucket and then there were five;
Five little rabbits on a cellar door,
One tumbled in and then there were four.
Four little rabbits up on a spree,
One got fuddled and then there were three;
Three little rabbits out on a canoe,
One tumbled overboard and then there were two.
Two little rabbits foolin' with a gun,
One shot t'other and then there was one;
One little Injun livin' all alone,
He got married and then there were none.


Hold for 6.5 days... Failed on Thursday afternoon... Fucking easter bunnies. Didn't even taste good... When one eates them so fast, they are not even comparable to 5 g of chocolate one eats slow, they don't have time to melt on the tong... which is THE delicious thing about chocolate... Anyway I eat 1/2 kg of easter fucking bunnies, half white, half brown, I failed because I really wanted to eat some white
chocolate and couldn't resist, but I liked more the taste of the brown ones! And well as I failed anyway, I had a pot of marmalade and a big dish of pasta. I actually wrote this on Saturday evening, but I had no Internet connection to post it. I wrote it because I needed to keep doing something so I do not go and eat, (I managed to hold Friday and Saturday eating healthy) it was already 9 pm and I was laying in bed and dying to fall asleep. Then I stood up and went to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat...

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. Samuel Beckett.

Today Day 5 !!! ;) Tomorrow Day 6! My best in 6 months (OMG I am so sick! ;) )

The weekend was hard as hell ;) The most difficult days are with my kids, they eat slow and they eat fat and sweet stuff and they always leave something in their plates, not to finish something deliciously unhealthy from those plates and just trash it in the garbage is the most difficult of all.

Monday was easy, I even had dinner with friends (no alcohol because I know I cannot control myself then). And I am actually not hungry anymore after every meal, means my stomach size is shrinking. Calorie wise I am fine, my trousers still fit and I trashed my balance so I am not tempted to weight myself. I am trying to hold day by day, don't want to set my goals too high...

Today I had dinner with friends, Even had some wine, almost lost control, and I didn't count calories yet... I was scared. Maybe I am over my 2000 calories.. I don't want to know right now.

Anyway. I will close my eyes and hope sleep will releave my suffering. And I am scared of the weekend that comes. Eastern... Family... Loads of Food! I'll never make it trough... But I will try.

Will I be free?

I've got my back against the wall
But I can still hear the blue sky call
The chains that hold me back inside
Are the prisons of my mind, yeah

Free, come set me free, down on my knees
I still believe you can save me from me
Come set me free, come set me free
Inside this shell there's a prison cell
Inside this shell there's a prison cell

I try to live the light of day
Why would I do what I hate?

(Switchfoot, "Free" lyrics, first time i heard this song was when I went bungee jumping last summer... Great song!)

Anyway screwed up again yesterday morning and I felt so hopeless... vomited 5 times in the last 36 hours! What a failure! I'll never make it again a single day... And the sun was shining and the air was fresh and it made me so sad that I cannot enjoy it... I suddenly wanted to paint so much, so I sat and painted for an hour or so... First everything black, and I cried and cried and cried and hit the paper with my pencils ;) then I put some colors and some more colors and some more black and by the time I finished I was happy and it gave me strength to hold trough the day... And the sun was still shining and it made me happy.

So I am counting in hours again... 36 vomiting free ;)

Yesterday I also went to the library, got myself a book: "Food disorder for dummies", sounded perfect for me ;)

I learned something, people who have food disorders often think in black and white. One example: I think I it eat healthy (white) or I think it is too much (black), from good to bad there is only a quarter of a piece of bread... Another example: I am perfect or I am totally worthless. Nothing in between... So I try to do that as well, find the grey spaces in my thoughts, in my head, to help my heart.

Will I be free?

I will never be free.

(my automatic black answer... and my grey answer... )

I am not trapped, so who knows... maybe I am free... and honestly... right now, I feel free.

Screwed up and screwed up and screwed up ...

On Sunday (would like to be Day 3) I screwed up three times, I did not have a single meal I did not vomit at the end. Every meal finished in a short orgy of food flushed down and up my throat. On Sunday evening I decided to get separated from my Husband, then I eat some more, then I forgot about it... Didn't really think about it again afterwards.

Then I Hold till Wednesday evening (would like to be Day 3) eat and vomit twice! But ok it was a party, and parties are difficult... Today I screwed up again, in the evening... Twice. And I am really not proud of me. Sunday was a hard day ok, emotionally talking, yesterday was a party with a lot of nice food and I really wanted to try a little bit of everything and when I drink, my resistance to anything gets smaller... But today... Today was a good day, really, I was happy, I wasn't hungry, I made sport, I wasn't tired, I was happy, the sun was shining, I was looking forward to my evening with the kids... And then wtf! I eat a peace of bred with salami and felt so bad about it because actually I wasn't hungry... And then I just kept eating and vomiting and eating and vomiting. I am just such a looser sometimes...

My 3 "stop B" plans

So little update. I screwed up on Friday. But just once, which somehow felt like a victory anyway. Then I manage to hold till Day 4, which is also much more than I did lately, but still did not beat my record of last week. Relapsed again on Tuesday Morning and on Wednesday Evening. Now I count Day 2 again. For those of you who are seeking for advice... I am following 3 kind of plans to keep me going on without eating and vomiting (well let's say all too much).
1. First I write down everything I eat. I mean everything, in gramms and in calories, also when I eat too mich.

2. Second I try to eat 4 times a day 500 kcal each meal, and what is most important I eat carbohydrates (potatoes, rice or pasta), at every meal. First I tried filling myself up with vegetables and salads and well you can eat a lot of that for 500 kcal... But it never worked for more than 1-2 days, now I eat a lot less, less vegetables and some carbs, 500 kcal total still, the first day was difficult because my stomach size is huge I guess, but then it got better and I am a lot less hungry now. Still hungry very often but less...

3. And then when I manage to hold for some days I go and shop something nice, I don't really have money but I think, like this instead of spending it on food flushed down the toilet, I spend it for something I can keep. Something that makes me feel beautiful. I need that. I feel so ugly sometimes I want to cry. Not my body, I love my body, I lost 8 kg with B, I weight 57 kg, my dream weight... I feel ugly when I eat, in those moments when I eat a lot I have to hide myself, I can't stand somebody watching me, then I am ugly when Ivomit, and I look at myself in the mirror, swollen red eyes, mucus dripping down my nose, face full of vomit splashes. Disgusting. Anyway. like this I feel double beautiful, no eating, no vomiting and I nice dress.


I wish you lots of light and patience. No more B!

Hope dies last...

Manage to hold 4 days long just to relapse again on Friday morning.. Big fight with my husband, so I said f**k everything and eat my rage until I almost exploded. The good news was, my stomach got reduced to half it's size... The bad part of it is, I was so full I thought I will die... The good one, well I hope it helps me going on, maybe soon I won't be feeling hungry all day long. I again count day 3, last time I eat and vomit was on Friday morning... So here I am.. Hoping again, to survive day 1, and day 2, and day 3, and thinking that I will never make it on day 1, day 2, day 3... The one thing that keeps me going is this feeling I had Thursday night, this feeling I did not have for months anymore, this little great feeling, when you can just watch at the stars and enjoy their light, the feeling that you can let a piece of chocolate melt in your mouth for 2 min and enjoy it far more than by eating 200g of it, the feeling that life can be beautiful again, right here, right now, just like that. And if I take some (few ;-)) weight, then be it... I love my life. I won't give up (so easily)!

Think about your life... What price have you paid to get it?

Ok, this morning I woke up at 4 am. Day 4 :) or Morning 4, I don't want to get ahead of me.

Hard day. I can't sleep. I am hungry.

I shouldn't eat before 8 am, otherwise I'll overshoot with the amount of calories and then I'll loose. I eat 4 meals a day, 500 kcal each at 8.00,12.00,16.00 and 20.00.

I actually started this blog to get my hands of the fridge. Can't eat when I am writing. Well not true I could eat, I can't binge eat. When I binge eat, I can't do anything, just eat. Sometimes I tried getting myself a nice movie to watch and think I'll do like I used to, before I got bulimic. Just me and B: eat an ice cream pot, enjoy it, watch a movie, then vomit it. Result: watched 5 min of the movie, eat 4 ice cream pots, enjoyed the first spoon, watched 15 more min on the toilet sit, just B and me.

Anyway, right now I am ok, didn't feel so alive in months. I can actually enjoy siting in the sun for lunch or having a cigarette on the swing before going to sleep and not as a ritual after vomiting.

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. Eating makes me sick. But I'm hungry. Hungry for everything, for all I won't live, for all I won't ever get to know, for all the time I don't have and for all the thing I will never be able to experience. I wanted to live so much, I wanted to live so much, I didn't know what to try first. Bungee jumping. Getting a lover. Trying new food. Having sex in weird places. Paragliding. Falling in love again. Biking around. Make a world trip. Write a book. Live in a different country. Climb the Mount Everest. So I tried everything (almost :)) and then I lost it all. Can't enjoy anything. Now most of the time, it's just me and B. Now I eat. I eat everything I can't have, everything I won't live. So I can feel sad for myself, for having eaten so much and not anymore for what I won't be doing.

I wanted to live so much... that I died.

But sometimes, well, anyway, I am happy. Morning 4 :) Going to take a shower now... Wish me luck.

Do you love life? Do you live life?

I love life. That's what I keep repeating myself... Hoping that one day I will believe it again. Live it again. Bulimia free.

Blog: day 1.
Eating healthy: day 3.
No purging: day 3. I have not hold so long for over 3 months. So right now great success... But bulimia has tought me more than that... Every time I hope.. I fail again. So I better don't hope, just know what is going to happen in the next 2 min and by now, I know... in the next 2 min I won't eat.

But as Samuel Becket said: Try again. Fail again. Fail better. So what? If I eat tomorrow, if I vomit tomorrow? I will still have won, 3 days long... Next time I'll fail better.

Bulimia: day 225 (I guess, and it does always surprise me that I can not remember my first time... First time eating, first time purging, with such an innocence I guess... I do not remember the first time of something that has become the most important thing in my life... I do remember my first time having sex though... ;) ) l

Laying down in bed waiting for sleep to free me. Then tomorrow will be today and it will be day 4.