I am titanium. Nothing to loose.

New day, new hope, some days are good some days are bad...  Today I am titanium. So strong. Nothing can kill me. I have destroyed everything I had. I am watching at the pictures hanging on my wall.

Happy faces. Happy me, happy kids, happy husband. Radiant eyes, radiant smiles, everything was possible, everything as long as we were together. Such happiness, such beauty. I destroyed everything. No way back. Shouldn't be. Where are those people? Where have they gone? Where have I gone? There is never a way back. But sometimes I wish that. I wish I could be happy again. I wish I could make everyone happy again. I wish I had never hurt anybody. I wish I had never lived. So much pain I have given, so many dreams I have destroyed. Please forgive me.

Last year I betrayed my husband with a college from work, during almost a whole year. I only wanted to live a little bit more, but I felt in love and I just couldn't stop it. That's how it started... hiding, living, running, living, hiding, loving, rushing, living, feeling, always busy, always hiding, running, living... I lost weight, I was happy, butterflies flying inside me, such a feeling, didn't remember how beautiful it could be to fall in love.

I had been for 7 years with my husband, never had sex with anybody else. I needed to know and it killed me. Started eating stinky cheese on the road home to cover the alcohol smell from the evening with my lover, with my soulmate, started eating because I felt miserable when I came home. Started to eat to have the weekend flying away, happy mondays, crying saturdays.... Gained weight, gained more and more, tried to vomit it a couple of times... didn't work...

Break of with my lover, my soulmate because I couldn't stand my husband touching me anymore. Such pain, such agony, I eat, I started smoking, killing the pain, trying to live, trying to feel, feeling me up, my sleeping pills, nicotine, food.... and once I vomited, I managed.

Started with my lover again, couldn't stand the pain of seeing him everyday without touching him. Followed on, living, running, loving, rushing, drinking, eaten, vomiting, living, running, vomiting, living, loving... until it destroyed me and I couldn't anymore. Broke of with my lover, told my husband, wanted to die, couldn't stand the pain, didn't kill myself to don't fuck up my kids even more than I already did... And now we are a broke family, no more love, stressed kids, no more loving eyes, only left over pictures.

Where are all those happy people on the pictures? I killed them, I  killed them all. But today I am titanium. It will get better I want to believe. It will never be good again, never as good as it used to be, but obviously it was doomed to end, nobody is happy forever.

Bitch, bad mother. That's me. But I fight, I fight for me, I fight for them, I fight to be.

Why am I not willing to fight anymore?

I don't know... I hardly manage to have a day without vomiting again... I just don't want to fight it... Why????

Maybe I am willing to be sad, maybe I am looking for a reason to say my life is shit... I am even afraid to read trough my blog again, afraid I will read how happy I was when I was fighting...

Maybe it is the only thing that I have left... Eating eating eating , pleasure pleasure pleasure... The only one I have for me and nobody can take it away... It is mine. My B, my Ed, always here to momentarily make me feel better... And I want to feel good all the time, I don't want to fight in the hope it will be better tomorrow...

I want to live now, I want now, I want everything now!!! Now? NOW!!!! How fucked up is that??? Eat and live all at the same time, as fast as possible, all together so nobody can take it away, all at the same time because maybe I'll be dead tomorrow... How fucked up is that???

I had sex the other day, with a guy I didn't know, he was sweet and cute... It was the first time I had sex with somebody I was not in love with... I was pretty freaked out, but well it went pretty good and after no single willing of sex in 6 months, I really needed something like that...

Anyway... Why am I not fighting? Why should I fight? Why will it be better? Right now it seems pretty ok, a bit of vomiting, a lot of eating, still time to do other things..

Why should I stop? I don't remember... I lost the way... Which way? Where is the way? Is there a way? I don't remember. I am lost. Please help me.