18.05.12

I am a fat winner.

Counting day 10. Never thought I would manage a 2 digits number... I am trying not to count calories (at least not obsessively) and to eat what I want when I want.

Trying to break all my mindset rules. Like no lunch before 11:30. I had lunch once at 10:50 ;) like if I eat something I didn't expect, I just adapt my food plan to it, instead of vomiting it. I feel better, not so moody anymore, I have so much energy I can not believe I was able to move before when I was eating so few. Sometimes I am not hungry, that scares me. Not having to think of food is kind of beautiful but also really scary. There are so many things I can think of, some of them I do not want to think about

I am learning to say no an to ask space for myself. I am enjoying my kids instead of pretending to enjoy them while I secretly put one chocolate after the other in my mouth.

My husband and I decided to stop being a couple an to keep on being parents together. That gave me a lot of space and freedom, such that I felt I can stay home all the time ;) I feel so free I can stay inside my cage.

But well today I feel fat, I looked at myself in the mirror today, naked... I stopped doing that for a while because it scares me to look at myself. I look fat, my stomach is tremendous. No idea how much I weight, I don't do that anymore... Last time I weighted I had 57 kg.

So that's me the big fat winner, winning over B (which I now call Ed, for dissociation purposes, my eating disorder husband... Fuck off Ed). Sometimes proud to win, sometimes missing it so much. Sometimes feeling fat, always feeling guilty, no matter what, I am always guilty, guilty if I eat normal, guilty if I eat too much, guilty if I eat too few...

Fat, guilty winner pig.

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