Wonderland. Wonderhungerland. Hungerland. Where is wonderland?

I failed miserably. Vomited once on Thursday,  once on Saturday, 3 times on Sunday, 3 times on Tuesday. But still trying to learn from every failure... my mother is visiting, she is staying with us for 3 weeks. I find it very difficult with her. She is very nice, but she steps in my private space. My husband has learned to respect it and to leave me alone when I need it. I fell like my body is not able anymore to delimit the space between me and the rest of the world like it used to. My body became transparent in some way, such that I feel invaded much easier than I used to, a year ago. When people come too close to me, I feel them inside, I do not want them inside, so I eat, so I vomit. I want to be alone. I want to be left alone. I can't handle proximity.

I am reading a book, I very much advise it to everyone Marya Hornbacher, "Wasted: a Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia". Somehow what I read scares me. Bulimia really fitted my life, I was messy, I had a lover, I had sex, I had passion, I wanted to live everything, love everything, try everything. I wanted to loose control. I was scared of being alone, I was scared of dying. Now I want to be alone, now I want to control, control what I eat, control the calories, always counting, counting, counting. I do not want to have sex, last time I had sex it felt so utterly disgusting I had to cry, I really used to enjoy sex. I just started reading the part on anorexia in Marya's book and it scares me, because it sounds a lot like me, Marya at the beginning of her anorexia and me now. I do not want to be anorexic, I do not want to die. I do not want to die for my children, not for me, because for me most of the time I do not live anymore. I wouldn't care if I would die. But they need me, so I keep on living, keep my body living, because sometimes I think, really, inside I am already dead. The thin shell of a person. 

The only thing is that still makes me fell safe somehow, is that I love my body. I really love my body the way it is now. I love the way men look at me in the street. I love the fascination in their eyes. Anorexic do not love their bodies. I need to talk about this with my counselor, on friday... I do not want to be on the road to anorexia.

Yesterday evening I decided to give up on everything, no more binge eating, no more vomiting, no more cigarettes, no more coke zero, no more fake sugar, no more sleeping pills, no more alcohol, not so much coffee anymore, want to keep it at 3 cups a day (apparently bulimic people use to abbuse other substances, didn't know that... but it fits me, I did not use to have sleeping pills or to smoke or to drink so much coffee or coke before last summer). Live healthy. Mens sana in corpore sano. Maybe if my body gets healthy again, so will I.