Ok, this morning I woke up at 4 am. Day 4 :) or Morning 4, I don't want to get ahead of me.
Hard day. I can't sleep. I am hungry.
I shouldn't eat before 8 am, otherwise I'll overshoot with the amount of calories and then I'll loose. I eat 4 meals a day, 500 kcal each at 8.00,12.00,16.00 and 20.00.
I actually started this blog to get my hands of the fridge. Can't eat when I am writing. Well not true I could eat, I can't binge eat. When I binge eat, I can't do anything, just eat. Sometimes I tried getting myself a nice movie to watch and think I'll do like I used to, before I got bulimic. Just me and B: eat an ice cream pot, enjoy it, watch a movie, then vomit it. Result: watched 5 min of the movie, eat 4 ice cream pots, enjoyed the first spoon, watched 15 more min on the toilet sit, just B and me.
Anyway, right now I am ok, didn't feel so alive in months. I can actually enjoy siting in the sun for lunch or having a cigarette on the swing before going to sleep and not as a ritual after vomiting.
I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. Eating makes me sick. But I'm hungry. Hungry for everything, for all I won't live, for all I won't ever get to know, for all the time I don't have and for all the thing I will never be able to experience. I wanted to live so much, I wanted to live so much, I didn't know what to try first. Bungee jumping. Getting a lover. Trying new food. Having sex in weird places. Paragliding. Falling in love again. Biking around. Make a world trip. Write a book. Live in a different country. Climb the Mount Everest. So I tried everything (almost :)) and then I lost it all. Can't enjoy anything. Now most of the time, it's just me and B. Now I eat. I eat everything I can't have, everything I won't live. So I can feel sad for myself, for having eaten so much and not anymore for what I won't be doing.
I wanted to live so much... that I died.
But sometimes, well, anyway, I am happy. Morning 4 :) Going to take a shower now... Wish me luck.
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