Why am I not willing to fight anymore?

I don't know... I hardly manage to have a day without vomiting again... I just don't want to fight it... Why????

Maybe I am willing to be sad, maybe I am looking for a reason to say my life is shit... I am even afraid to read trough my blog again, afraid I will read how happy I was when I was fighting...

Maybe it is the only thing that I have left... Eating eating eating , pleasure pleasure pleasure... The only one I have for me and nobody can take it away... It is mine. My B, my Ed, always here to momentarily make me feel better... And I want to feel good all the time, I don't want to fight in the hope it will be better tomorrow...

I want to live now, I want now, I want everything now!!! Now? NOW!!!! How fucked up is that??? Eat and live all at the same time, as fast as possible, all together so nobody can take it away, all at the same time because maybe I'll be dead tomorrow... How fucked up is that???

I had sex the other day, with a guy I didn't know, he was sweet and cute... It was the first time I had sex with somebody I was not in love with... I was pretty freaked out, but well it went pretty good and after no single willing of sex in 6 months, I really needed something like that...

Anyway... Why am I not fighting? Why should I fight? Why will it be better? Right now it seems pretty ok, a bit of vomiting, a lot of eating, still time to do other things..

Why should I stop? I don't remember... I lost the way... Which way? Where is the way? Is there a way? I don't remember. I am lost. Please help me.