New day, new hope, some days are good some days are bad... Today I am titanium. So strong. Nothing can kill me. I have destroyed everything I had. I am watching at the pictures hanging on my wall.
Happy faces. Happy me, happy kids, happy husband. Radiant eyes, radiant smiles, everything was possible, everything as long as we were together. Such happiness, such beauty. I destroyed everything. No way back. Shouldn't be. Where are those people? Where have they gone? Where have I gone? There is never a way back. But sometimes I wish that. I wish I could be happy again. I wish I could make everyone happy again. I wish I had never hurt anybody. I wish I had never lived. So much pain I have given, so many dreams I have destroyed. Please forgive me.
Last year I betrayed my husband with a college from work, during almost a whole year. I only wanted to live a little bit more, but I felt in love and I just couldn't stop it. That's how it started... hiding, living, running, living, hiding, loving, rushing, living, feeling, always busy, always hiding, running, living... I lost weight, I was happy, butterflies flying inside me, such a feeling, didn't remember how beautiful it could be to fall in love.
I had been for 7 years with my husband, never had sex with anybody else. I needed to know and it killed me. Started eating stinky cheese on the road home to cover the alcohol smell from the evening with my lover, with my soulmate, started eating because I felt miserable when I came home. Started to eat to have the weekend flying away, happy mondays, crying saturdays.... Gained weight, gained more and more, tried to vomit it a couple of times... didn't work...
Break of with my lover, my soulmate because I couldn't stand my husband touching me anymore. Such pain, such agony, I eat, I started smoking, killing the pain, trying to live, trying to feel, feeling me up, my sleeping pills, nicotine, food.... and once I vomited, I managed.
Started with my lover again, couldn't stand the pain of seeing him everyday without touching him. Followed on, living, running, loving, rushing, drinking, eaten, vomiting, living, running, vomiting, living, loving... until it destroyed me and I couldn't anymore. Broke of with my lover, told my husband, wanted to die, couldn't stand the pain, didn't kill myself to don't fuck up my kids even more than I already did... And now we are a broke family, no more love, stressed kids, no more loving eyes, only left over pictures.
Where are all those happy people on the pictures? I killed them, I killed them all. But today I am titanium. It will get better I want to believe. It will never be good again, never as good as it used to be, but obviously it was doomed to end, nobody is happy forever.
Bitch, bad mother. That's me. But I fight, I fight for me, I fight for them, I fight to be.
03.07.12
Why am I not willing to fight anymore?
I don't know... I hardly manage to have a day without vomiting again... I just don't want to fight it... Why????
Maybe I am willing to be sad, maybe I am looking for a reason to say my life is shit... I am even afraid to read trough my blog again, afraid I will read how happy I was when I was fighting...
Maybe it is the only thing that I have left... Eating eating eating , pleasure pleasure pleasure... The only one I have for me and nobody can take it away... It is mine. My B, my Ed, always here to momentarily make me feel better... And I want to feel good all the time, I don't want to fight in the hope it will be better tomorrow...
I want to live now, I want now, I want everything now!!! Now? NOW!!!! How fucked up is that??? Eat and live all at the same time, as fast as possible, all together so nobody can take it away, all at the same time because maybe I'll be dead tomorrow... How fucked up is that???
I had sex the other day, with a guy I didn't know, he was sweet and cute... It was the first time I had sex with somebody I was not in love with... I was pretty freaked out, but well it went pretty good and after no single willing of sex in 6 months, I really needed something like that...
Anyway... Why am I not fighting? Why should I fight? Why will it be better? Right now it seems pretty ok, a bit of vomiting, a lot of eating, still time to do other things..
Why should I stop? I don't remember... I lost the way... Which way? Where is the way? Is there a way? I don't remember. I am lost. Please help me.
Maybe I am willing to be sad, maybe I am looking for a reason to say my life is shit... I am even afraid to read trough my blog again, afraid I will read how happy I was when I was fighting...
Maybe it is the only thing that I have left... Eating eating eating , pleasure pleasure pleasure... The only one I have for me and nobody can take it away... It is mine. My B, my Ed, always here to momentarily make me feel better... And I want to feel good all the time, I don't want to fight in the hope it will be better tomorrow...
I want to live now, I want now, I want everything now!!! Now? NOW!!!! How fucked up is that??? Eat and live all at the same time, as fast as possible, all together so nobody can take it away, all at the same time because maybe I'll be dead tomorrow... How fucked up is that???
I had sex the other day, with a guy I didn't know, he was sweet and cute... It was the first time I had sex with somebody I was not in love with... I was pretty freaked out, but well it went pretty good and after no single willing of sex in 6 months, I really needed something like that...
Anyway... Why am I not fighting? Why should I fight? Why will it be better? Right now it seems pretty ok, a bit of vomiting, a lot of eating, still time to do other things..
Why should I stop? I don't remember... I lost the way... Which way? Where is the way? Is there a way? I don't remember. I am lost. Please help me.
05.06.12
Mood swings and milkmachine... Prozac side effects...
Trying to eat healthy: day 91
Eating healthy: I dont' coun't that anymore ;) I don't want to eat healthy, I just want to eat what I feel like (and I never manage... but I still try)
Vomit free: 30 hours
Top score vomit free: 16 days
Blog: day 89
Prozac 20 mg: day 29
No sleeping pills: day 49
No alcohol: 2 hours ;)
No cigarette: 1 hour
I am not trying to give up smoking and drinking (yet) by the way, I am only trying to give up on B.
Yesterday I noticed that my mood swings are more sudden than before, one second I want to lie dow, never wake up, die and the next one I am the most happy person in the world, everythings tastes, shines, flowers are beautiful, i love the wind... Probably side effects from taking prozac (fluoxetin)? My psychistrist prescribed it because it is supposed to help with eating disorders...
Another prozac side effect... I am not a pig... i am a cow, milk is leaking from my breasts... Big fat cow... ;)
Eating healthy: I dont' coun't that anymore ;) I don't want to eat healthy, I just want to eat what I feel like (and I never manage... but I still try)
Vomit free: 30 hours
Top score vomit free: 16 days
Blog: day 89
Prozac 20 mg: day 29
No sleeping pills: day 49
No alcohol: 2 hours ;)
No cigarette: 1 hour
I am not trying to give up smoking and drinking (yet) by the way, I am only trying to give up on B.
Yesterday I noticed that my mood swings are more sudden than before, one second I want to lie dow, never wake up, die and the next one I am the most happy person in the world, everythings tastes, shines, flowers are beautiful, i love the wind... Probably side effects from taking prozac (fluoxetin)? My psychistrist prescribed it because it is supposed to help with eating disorders...
Another prozac side effect... I am not a pig... i am a cow, milk is leaking from my breasts... Big fat cow... ;)
04.06.12
Heavenly fish with mango paprika salad, guacamole and spicy beans...
Made my day... (recipe invented on a rainy afternoon)
You will need for 2 people
2 red paprika
1 mango
2 branches of coriander
1 garlic tooth
1 onion
1 green young onion
1 coffee spoon Paprika
2 coffee spoons Cumin
300 g fish
1 lemon
1 lime
1 avocado
1 tomato
500g green beans
2 table spoons fish sauce
3 table spoons soya sauce
1 little chili
A finger of fresh ginger
Mix red paprika, garlic and one chopped onion, rub the fish with the mixture. Cook fish for 15 min in oven (or until cooked).
Cut mango and red paprika in squares. Chop coriander, add juice of 1/2 lemon, some sweetener (or sugar), fish sauce (from chinese store). Mix with the mango and paprika.
Cut 1 tomato and the green of an onion in squares. Smash 1 avocado. Mix tomato, onion, avocado with the juice of 1/2 lime and freshly ground cumin. Add some salt.
Cook the green beans until they are soft but still crunchy. Blend a finger big piece of ginger with 1/2 chili, 1/2 green onion and the soya sauce. Add to the beans.
Enjoy...
Everything fat free (sorry I do not manage to eat fat yet). You can also add a good olive oil to the fish and mango salad and some sesame oil to the beans.
You will need for 2 people
2 red paprika
1 mango
2 branches of coriander
1 garlic tooth
1 onion
1 green young onion
1 coffee spoon Paprika
2 coffee spoons Cumin
300 g fish
1 lemon
1 lime
1 avocado
1 tomato
500g green beans
2 table spoons fish sauce
3 table spoons soya sauce
1 little chili
A finger of fresh ginger
Mix red paprika, garlic and one chopped onion, rub the fish with the mixture. Cook fish for 15 min in oven (or until cooked).
Cut mango and red paprika in squares. Chop coriander, add juice of 1/2 lemon, some sweetener (or sugar), fish sauce (from chinese store). Mix with the mango and paprika.
Cut 1 tomato and the green of an onion in squares. Smash 1 avocado. Mix tomato, onion, avocado with the juice of 1/2 lime and freshly ground cumin. Add some salt.
Cook the green beans until they are soft but still crunchy. Blend a finger big piece of ginger with 1/2 chili, 1/2 green onion and the soya sauce. Add to the beans.
Enjoy...
Everything fat free (sorry I do not manage to eat fat yet). You can also add a good olive oil to the fish and mango salad and some sesame oil to the beans.
02.06.12
I want to die today...
Useless, hopeless, just harming every one around me... I wish I just would never wake up again.
I am so tired.
Tired to fight. Tired to fight so much, not knowing what am I fighting for.
What am I fighting for?
Who am I?
What do I want?
Can I be ME and get what I want without harming every one around me?
What am I fighting for?
I want to die. I want to fly. Forever.
But I can't.
I am so tired.
Tired to fight. Tired to fight so much, not knowing what am I fighting for.
What am I fighting for?
Who am I?
What do I want?
Can I be ME and get what I want without harming every one around me?
What am I fighting for?
I want to die. I want to fly. Forever.
But I can't.
26.05.12
Looser! Winner? I missed you B....
16 days vomit free... But no surprise... failed again, vomited on friday and today as well... I have to get on the recovery road again....
But I remembered what I loved so much about it, one gets to forget it, because one is so aware of the negative aspects the more ill one is... But now that I felt almost healthy again, I remembered how easy and beautiful it is to eat too much, how free it feels to vomit, how releasing it is not to count what one is eating, not to think should I or shouldn't I?
Just to think I want this so I eat this... So beautiful.... That's my goal... That's where I want to go, eat things because I feel like it and just don't count, just don't think 3 times about it, just enjoy totally guilt free and just don't vomit it afterwards... I know that goal is far away, but maybe next time I hold more than 20 days, then next time I will get a little closer to my goal. And maybe some day I will manage...
But I remembered what I loved so much about it, one gets to forget it, because one is so aware of the negative aspects the more ill one is... But now that I felt almost healthy again, I remembered how easy and beautiful it is to eat too much, how free it feels to vomit, how releasing it is not to count what one is eating, not to think should I or shouldn't I?
Just to think I want this so I eat this... So beautiful.... That's my goal... That's where I want to go, eat things because I feel like it and just don't count, just don't think 3 times about it, just enjoy totally guilt free and just don't vomit it afterwards... I know that goal is far away, but maybe next time I hold more than 20 days, then next time I will get a little closer to my goal. And maybe some day I will manage...
21.05.12
How to get on the road to anorexia.
That's another how to guide, but I will write it on some other day. I think I know a little bit and fortunately by now not yet too much of it. I hope I will never find out more. Anyway....
Today counting day 13. I am proud of myself.
Somehow I expect a big miracle on day 14, that's partially what keeps me going, my psycholog told me when you manage 14 days, you are almost out of B and if you manage 14 days twice in a row (so 28 days) then you are really really almost out :) So I hope for the big miracle, but I can fell there will not be any big miracle, I can feel the change creeping inside my soul slowly, and sometimes it scares the shit of me and sometimes it makes me happy.
Today counting day 13. I am proud of myself.
Somehow I expect a big miracle on day 14, that's partially what keeps me going, my psycholog told me when you manage 14 days, you are almost out of B and if you manage 14 days twice in a row (so 28 days) then you are really really almost out :) So I hope for the big miracle, but I can fell there will not be any big miracle, I can feel the change creeping inside my soul slowly, and sometimes it scares the shit of me and sometimes it makes me happy.
Abonnieren
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