All good things must come to an end.

I don't want to count, I don't want to know, I don't want to count anything, calories, days, anything... Nothing at all... I just want to live, I just want to feel what I need and follow it and shut the voice in my head down that counts everything for me, that judges everything, oh that was 100 calories too much, you should better keep on eating (and then vomit it) otherwise you will get fat again...

So that it is what I am doing, I am letting it go. I also stopped writing down everything I eat. I stopped taking sleeping pills, I reduced my smoking from 7 cigarettes a day to a cigarette every 2 days...

Last time I vomited was Saturday morning and that means today is only day 2, but it feels like so much more. I feel free because I try not to count or I stop counting during the day when I fear I might get over the calories I allow myself.

I feel strong. I feel alive. My life is boring and it is not perfect and I like it like this.

I am scared to write this down, I am afraid the feeling and the willings and the power will go away once I write it, because when I write it, it means I believe I can make, I believe I can really make it and then when I fail, it will hurt twice as much.