Will I be free?

I've got my back against the wall
But I can still hear the blue sky call
The chains that hold me back inside
Are the prisons of my mind, yeah

Free, come set me free, down on my knees
I still believe you can save me from me
Come set me free, come set me free
Inside this shell there's a prison cell
Inside this shell there's a prison cell

I try to live the light of day
Why would I do what I hate?

(Switchfoot, "Free" lyrics, first time i heard this song was when I went bungee jumping last summer... Great song!)

Anyway screwed up again yesterday morning and I felt so hopeless... vomited 5 times in the last 36 hours! What a failure! I'll never make it again a single day... And the sun was shining and the air was fresh and it made me so sad that I cannot enjoy it... I suddenly wanted to paint so much, so I sat and painted for an hour or so... First everything black, and I cried and cried and cried and hit the paper with my pencils ;) then I put some colors and some more colors and some more black and by the time I finished I was happy and it gave me strength to hold trough the day... And the sun was still shining and it made me happy.

So I am counting in hours again... 36 vomiting free ;)

Yesterday I also went to the library, got myself a book: "Food disorder for dummies", sounded perfect for me ;)

I learned something, people who have food disorders often think in black and white. One example: I think I it eat healthy (white) or I think it is too much (black), from good to bad there is only a quarter of a piece of bread... Another example: I am perfect or I am totally worthless. Nothing in between... So I try to do that as well, find the grey spaces in my thoughts, in my head, to help my heart.

Will I be free?

I will never be free.

(my automatic black answer... and my grey answer... )

I am not trapped, so who knows... maybe I am free... and honestly... right now, I feel free.