All good things must come to an end.

I don't want to count, I don't want to know, I don't want to count anything, calories, days, anything... Nothing at all... I just want to live, I just want to feel what I need and follow it and shut the voice in my head down that counts everything for me, that judges everything, oh that was 100 calories too much, you should better keep on eating (and then vomit it) otherwise you will get fat again...

So that it is what I am doing, I am letting it go. I also stopped writing down everything I eat. I stopped taking sleeping pills, I reduced my smoking from 7 cigarettes a day to a cigarette every 2 days...

Last time I vomited was Saturday morning and that means today is only day 2, but it feels like so much more. I feel free because I try not to count or I stop counting during the day when I fear I might get over the calories I allow myself.

I feel strong. I feel alive. My life is boring and it is not perfect and I like it like this.

I am scared to write this down, I am afraid the feeling and the willings and the power will go away once I write it, because when I write it, it means I believe I can make, I believe I can really make it and then when I fail, it will hurt twice as much.

Wonderland. Wonderhungerland. Hungerland. Where is wonderland?

I failed miserably. Vomited once on Thursday,  once on Saturday, 3 times on Sunday, 3 times on Tuesday. But still trying to learn from every failure... my mother is visiting, she is staying with us for 3 weeks. I find it very difficult with her. She is very nice, but she steps in my private space. My husband has learned to respect it and to leave me alone when I need it. I fell like my body is not able anymore to delimit the space between me and the rest of the world like it used to. My body became transparent in some way, such that I feel invaded much easier than I used to, a year ago. When people come too close to me, I feel them inside, I do not want them inside, so I eat, so I vomit. I want to be alone. I want to be left alone. I can't handle proximity.

I am reading a book, I very much advise it to everyone Marya Hornbacher, "Wasted: a Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia". Somehow what I read scares me. Bulimia really fitted my life, I was messy, I had a lover, I had sex, I had passion, I wanted to live everything, love everything, try everything. I wanted to loose control. I was scared of being alone, I was scared of dying. Now I want to be alone, now I want to control, control what I eat, control the calories, always counting, counting, counting. I do not want to have sex, last time I had sex it felt so utterly disgusting I had to cry, I really used to enjoy sex. I just started reading the part on anorexia in Marya's book and it scares me, because it sounds a lot like me, Marya at the beginning of her anorexia and me now. I do not want to be anorexic, I do not want to die. I do not want to die for my children, not for me, because for me most of the time I do not live anymore. I wouldn't care if I would die. But they need me, so I keep on living, keep my body living, because sometimes I think, really, inside I am already dead. The thin shell of a person. 

The only thing is that still makes me fell safe somehow, is that I love my body. I really love my body the way it is now. I love the way men look at me in the street. I love the fascination in their eyes. Anorexic do not love their bodies. I need to talk about this with my counselor, on friday... I do not want to be on the road to anorexia.

Yesterday evening I decided to give up on everything, no more binge eating, no more vomiting, no more cigarettes, no more coke zero, no more fake sugar, no more sleeping pills, no more alcohol, not so much coffee anymore, want to keep it at 3 cups a day (apparently bulimic people use to abbuse other substances, didn't know that... but it fits me, I did not use to have sleeping pills or to smoke or to drink so much coffee or coke before last summer). Live healthy. Mens sana in corpore sano. Maybe if my body gets healthy again, so will I. 

10 little bunnies standin' in a line... (fucking bunnies)

Ten little rabbits standin' in a line,
One toddled home and then there were nine;
Nine little rabbits swingin' on a gate,
One tumbled off and then there were eight.
One little, two little, three little, four little, five little Injun boys,
Six little, seven little, eight little, nine little, ten little Injun boys.
Eight little rabbits gayest under heav'n.
One went to sleep and then there were seven;
Seven little rabbits cuttin' up their tricks,
One broke his neck and then there were six.
Six little rabbits all alive,
One kicked the bucket and then there were five;
Five little rabbits on a cellar door,
One tumbled in and then there were four.
Four little rabbits up on a spree,
One got fuddled and then there were three;
Three little rabbits out on a canoe,
One tumbled overboard and then there were two.
Two little rabbits foolin' with a gun,
One shot t'other and then there was one;
One little Injun livin' all alone,
He got married and then there were none.


Hold for 6.5 days... Failed on Thursday afternoon... Fucking easter bunnies. Didn't even taste good... When one eates them so fast, they are not even comparable to 5 g of chocolate one eats slow, they don't have time to melt on the tong... which is THE delicious thing about chocolate... Anyway I eat 1/2 kg of easter fucking bunnies, half white, half brown, I failed because I really wanted to eat some white
chocolate and couldn't resist, but I liked more the taste of the brown ones! And well as I failed anyway, I had a pot of marmalade and a big dish of pasta. I actually wrote this on Saturday evening, but I had no Internet connection to post it. I wrote it because I needed to keep doing something so I do not go and eat, (I managed to hold Friday and Saturday eating healthy) it was already 9 pm and I was laying in bed and dying to fall asleep. Then I stood up and went to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat...

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. Samuel Beckett.

Today Day 5 !!! ;) Tomorrow Day 6! My best in 6 months (OMG I am so sick! ;) )

The weekend was hard as hell ;) The most difficult days are with my kids, they eat slow and they eat fat and sweet stuff and they always leave something in their plates, not to finish something deliciously unhealthy from those plates and just trash it in the garbage is the most difficult of all.

Monday was easy, I even had dinner with friends (no alcohol because I know I cannot control myself then). And I am actually not hungry anymore after every meal, means my stomach size is shrinking. Calorie wise I am fine, my trousers still fit and I trashed my balance so I am not tempted to weight myself. I am trying to hold day by day, don't want to set my goals too high...

Today I had dinner with friends, Even had some wine, almost lost control, and I didn't count calories yet... I was scared. Maybe I am over my 2000 calories.. I don't want to know right now.

Anyway. I will close my eyes and hope sleep will releave my suffering. And I am scared of the weekend that comes. Eastern... Family... Loads of Food! I'll never make it trough... But I will try.

Will I be free?

I've got my back against the wall
But I can still hear the blue sky call
The chains that hold me back inside
Are the prisons of my mind, yeah

Free, come set me free, down on my knees
I still believe you can save me from me
Come set me free, come set me free
Inside this shell there's a prison cell
Inside this shell there's a prison cell

I try to live the light of day
Why would I do what I hate?

(Switchfoot, "Free" lyrics, first time i heard this song was when I went bungee jumping last summer... Great song!)

Anyway screwed up again yesterday morning and I felt so hopeless... vomited 5 times in the last 36 hours! What a failure! I'll never make it again a single day... And the sun was shining and the air was fresh and it made me so sad that I cannot enjoy it... I suddenly wanted to paint so much, so I sat and painted for an hour or so... First everything black, and I cried and cried and cried and hit the paper with my pencils ;) then I put some colors and some more colors and some more black and by the time I finished I was happy and it gave me strength to hold trough the day... And the sun was still shining and it made me happy.

So I am counting in hours again... 36 vomiting free ;)

Yesterday I also went to the library, got myself a book: "Food disorder for dummies", sounded perfect for me ;)

I learned something, people who have food disorders often think in black and white. One example: I think I it eat healthy (white) or I think it is too much (black), from good to bad there is only a quarter of a piece of bread... Another example: I am perfect or I am totally worthless. Nothing in between... So I try to do that as well, find the grey spaces in my thoughts, in my head, to help my heart.

Will I be free?

I will never be free.

(my automatic black answer... and my grey answer... )

I am not trapped, so who knows... maybe I am free... and honestly... right now, I feel free.

Screwed up and screwed up and screwed up ...

On Sunday (would like to be Day 3) I screwed up three times, I did not have a single meal I did not vomit at the end. Every meal finished in a short orgy of food flushed down and up my throat. On Sunday evening I decided to get separated from my Husband, then I eat some more, then I forgot about it... Didn't really think about it again afterwards.

Then I Hold till Wednesday evening (would like to be Day 3) eat and vomit twice! But ok it was a party, and parties are difficult... Today I screwed up again, in the evening... Twice. And I am really not proud of me. Sunday was a hard day ok, emotionally talking, yesterday was a party with a lot of nice food and I really wanted to try a little bit of everything and when I drink, my resistance to anything gets smaller... But today... Today was a good day, really, I was happy, I wasn't hungry, I made sport, I wasn't tired, I was happy, the sun was shining, I was looking forward to my evening with the kids... And then wtf! I eat a peace of bred with salami and felt so bad about it because actually I wasn't hungry... And then I just kept eating and vomiting and eating and vomiting. I am just such a looser sometimes...

My 3 "stop B" plans

So little update. I screwed up on Friday. But just once, which somehow felt like a victory anyway. Then I manage to hold till Day 4, which is also much more than I did lately, but still did not beat my record of last week. Relapsed again on Tuesday Morning and on Wednesday Evening. Now I count Day 2 again. For those of you who are seeking for advice... I am following 3 kind of plans to keep me going on without eating and vomiting (well let's say all too much).
1. First I write down everything I eat. I mean everything, in gramms and in calories, also when I eat too mich.

2. Second I try to eat 4 times a day 500 kcal each meal, and what is most important I eat carbohydrates (potatoes, rice or pasta), at every meal. First I tried filling myself up with vegetables and salads and well you can eat a lot of that for 500 kcal... But it never worked for more than 1-2 days, now I eat a lot less, less vegetables and some carbs, 500 kcal total still, the first day was difficult because my stomach size is huge I guess, but then it got better and I am a lot less hungry now. Still hungry very often but less...

3. And then when I manage to hold for some days I go and shop something nice, I don't really have money but I think, like this instead of spending it on food flushed down the toilet, I spend it for something I can keep. Something that makes me feel beautiful. I need that. I feel so ugly sometimes I want to cry. Not my body, I love my body, I lost 8 kg with B, I weight 57 kg, my dream weight... I feel ugly when I eat, in those moments when I eat a lot I have to hide myself, I can't stand somebody watching me, then I am ugly when Ivomit, and I look at myself in the mirror, swollen red eyes, mucus dripping down my nose, face full of vomit splashes. Disgusting. Anyway. like this I feel double beautiful, no eating, no vomiting and I nice dress.


I wish you lots of light and patience. No more B!