All good things must come to an end.

I don't want to count, I don't want to know, I don't want to count anything, calories, days, anything... Nothing at all... I just want to live, I just want to feel what I need and follow it and shut the voice in my head down that counts everything for me, that judges everything, oh that was 100 calories too much, you should better keep on eating (and then vomit it) otherwise you will get fat again...

So that it is what I am doing, I am letting it go. I also stopped writing down everything I eat. I stopped taking sleeping pills, I reduced my smoking from 7 cigarettes a day to a cigarette every 2 days...

Last time I vomited was Saturday morning and that means today is only day 2, but it feels like so much more. I feel free because I try not to count or I stop counting during the day when I fear I might get over the calories I allow myself.

I feel strong. I feel alive. My life is boring and it is not perfect and I like it like this.

I am scared to write this down, I am afraid the feeling and the willings and the power will go away once I write it, because when I write it, it means I believe I can make, I believe I can really make it and then when I fail, it will hurt twice as much.

Wonderland. Wonderhungerland. Hungerland. Where is wonderland?

I failed miserably. Vomited once on Thursday,  once on Saturday, 3 times on Sunday, 3 times on Tuesday. But still trying to learn from every failure... my mother is visiting, she is staying with us for 3 weeks. I find it very difficult with her. She is very nice, but she steps in my private space. My husband has learned to respect it and to leave me alone when I need it. I fell like my body is not able anymore to delimit the space between me and the rest of the world like it used to. My body became transparent in some way, such that I feel invaded much easier than I used to, a year ago. When people come too close to me, I feel them inside, I do not want them inside, so I eat, so I vomit. I want to be alone. I want to be left alone. I can't handle proximity.

I am reading a book, I very much advise it to everyone Marya Hornbacher, "Wasted: a Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia". Somehow what I read scares me. Bulimia really fitted my life, I was messy, I had a lover, I had sex, I had passion, I wanted to live everything, love everything, try everything. I wanted to loose control. I was scared of being alone, I was scared of dying. Now I want to be alone, now I want to control, control what I eat, control the calories, always counting, counting, counting. I do not want to have sex, last time I had sex it felt so utterly disgusting I had to cry, I really used to enjoy sex. I just started reading the part on anorexia in Marya's book and it scares me, because it sounds a lot like me, Marya at the beginning of her anorexia and me now. I do not want to be anorexic, I do not want to die. I do not want to die for my children, not for me, because for me most of the time I do not live anymore. I wouldn't care if I would die. But they need me, so I keep on living, keep my body living, because sometimes I think, really, inside I am already dead. The thin shell of a person. 

The only thing is that still makes me fell safe somehow, is that I love my body. I really love my body the way it is now. I love the way men look at me in the street. I love the fascination in their eyes. Anorexic do not love their bodies. I need to talk about this with my counselor, on friday... I do not want to be on the road to anorexia.

Yesterday evening I decided to give up on everything, no more binge eating, no more vomiting, no more cigarettes, no more coke zero, no more fake sugar, no more sleeping pills, no more alcohol, not so much coffee anymore, want to keep it at 3 cups a day (apparently bulimic people use to abbuse other substances, didn't know that... but it fits me, I did not use to have sleeping pills or to smoke or to drink so much coffee or coke before last summer). Live healthy. Mens sana in corpore sano. Maybe if my body gets healthy again, so will I. 

10 little bunnies standin' in a line... (fucking bunnies)

Ten little rabbits standin' in a line,
One toddled home and then there were nine;
Nine little rabbits swingin' on a gate,
One tumbled off and then there were eight.
One little, two little, three little, four little, five little Injun boys,
Six little, seven little, eight little, nine little, ten little Injun boys.
Eight little rabbits gayest under heav'n.
One went to sleep and then there were seven;
Seven little rabbits cuttin' up their tricks,
One broke his neck and then there were six.
Six little rabbits all alive,
One kicked the bucket and then there were five;
Five little rabbits on a cellar door,
One tumbled in and then there were four.
Four little rabbits up on a spree,
One got fuddled and then there were three;
Three little rabbits out on a canoe,
One tumbled overboard and then there were two.
Two little rabbits foolin' with a gun,
One shot t'other and then there was one;
One little Injun livin' all alone,
He got married and then there were none.


Hold for 6.5 days... Failed on Thursday afternoon... Fucking easter bunnies. Didn't even taste good... When one eates them so fast, they are not even comparable to 5 g of chocolate one eats slow, they don't have time to melt on the tong... which is THE delicious thing about chocolate... Anyway I eat 1/2 kg of easter fucking bunnies, half white, half brown, I failed because I really wanted to eat some white
chocolate and couldn't resist, but I liked more the taste of the brown ones! And well as I failed anyway, I had a pot of marmalade and a big dish of pasta. I actually wrote this on Saturday evening, but I had no Internet connection to post it. I wrote it because I needed to keep doing something so I do not go and eat, (I managed to hold Friday and Saturday eating healthy) it was already 9 pm and I was laying in bed and dying to fall asleep. Then I stood up and went to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat...

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. Samuel Beckett.

Today Day 5 !!! ;) Tomorrow Day 6! My best in 6 months (OMG I am so sick! ;) )

The weekend was hard as hell ;) The most difficult days are with my kids, they eat slow and they eat fat and sweet stuff and they always leave something in their plates, not to finish something deliciously unhealthy from those plates and just trash it in the garbage is the most difficult of all.

Monday was easy, I even had dinner with friends (no alcohol because I know I cannot control myself then). And I am actually not hungry anymore after every meal, means my stomach size is shrinking. Calorie wise I am fine, my trousers still fit and I trashed my balance so I am not tempted to weight myself. I am trying to hold day by day, don't want to set my goals too high...

Today I had dinner with friends, Even had some wine, almost lost control, and I didn't count calories yet... I was scared. Maybe I am over my 2000 calories.. I don't want to know right now.

Anyway. I will close my eyes and hope sleep will releave my suffering. And I am scared of the weekend that comes. Eastern... Family... Loads of Food! I'll never make it trough... But I will try.