16 days vomit free... But no surprise... failed again, vomited on friday and today as well... I have to get on the recovery road again....
But I remembered what I loved so much about it, one gets to forget it, because one is so aware of the negative aspects the more ill one is... But now that I felt almost healthy again, I remembered how easy and beautiful it is to eat too much, how free it feels to vomit, how releasing it is not to count what one is eating, not to think should I or shouldn't I?
Just to think I want this so I eat this... So beautiful.... That's my goal... That's where I want to go, eat things because I feel like it and just don't count, just don't think 3 times about it, just enjoy totally guilt free and just don't vomit it afterwards... I know that goal is far away, but maybe next time I hold more than 20 days, then next time I will get a little closer to my goal. And maybe some day I will manage...
21.05.12
How to get on the road to anorexia.
That's another how to guide, but I will write it on some other day. I think I know a little bit and fortunately by now not yet too much of it. I hope I will never find out more. Anyway....
Today counting day 13. I am proud of myself.
Somehow I expect a big miracle on day 14, that's partially what keeps me going, my psycholog told me when you manage 14 days, you are almost out of B and if you manage 14 days twice in a row (so 28 days) then you are really really almost out :) So I hope for the big miracle, but I can fell there will not be any big miracle, I can feel the change creeping inside my soul slowly, and sometimes it scares the shit of me and sometimes it makes me happy.
Today counting day 13. I am proud of myself.
Somehow I expect a big miracle on day 14, that's partially what keeps me going, my psycholog told me when you manage 14 days, you are almost out of B and if you manage 14 days twice in a row (so 28 days) then you are really really almost out :) So I hope for the big miracle, but I can fell there will not be any big miracle, I can feel the change creeping inside my soul slowly, and sometimes it scares the shit of me and sometimes it makes me happy.
How to puke easier? A guide to bulimia.
I remembered when I googled that 1 year ago and 2 years ago and 10 years ago. Tried it 10 years ago, 2 years ago, it never worked, well I tried sticking my fingers twice in my month and decided it's not working. Tried it 1 year ago, tried hard, tried harder, even harder... and see... it worked. I puked.
I wish it would have never found out.
I remember thinking "you have to suffer to be beautiful"... a stupid sentence my stepmother told me when I was 8 years old and that never really left my mind since...
And oh.. god, I suffered... My throat was bleeding, my eyes were falling out of their orbits, I was tired. But I did it! I did it! Finally! Now I could eat everything I always wanted! And for sure that was true... I could eat what I had always wanted... I just did not know I could possibly want so much of it.
And at first, that's how it starts, that's why we all get so appealed by it. We think we can control it, we just eat too much now and then we just puke a little now and then. Just a little bit for the days where we could not control ourselves... Then one day, you plan it, you go shopping, you go shopping for all the crap you always wanted to eat and forbid yourself because you are on a diet. You eat it, you puke it.
Everything seems ok, the world is beautiful, you are beautiful, you have control over everything, even your own body, you decide what goes in and what goes out of it and by which means, until the day where yo do not decide anything anymore.
Until the day you eat and puke 3 times a day, your cheeks look like the ones of a hamster from the inflamed salivary glands, your hair falls off, your eyes are periodically blood red from little vesicles that pop while you are purging, your nails break off, your throat is bleeding. You feel ugly, from inside, from outside, you are actually thinner than you ever wanted to be but it doesn't matter. You are still ugly, you ugly little pig... you big ugly fat pig...
You feel ugly. You feel ugly because you just went into your neighbors office and stole his chocolate bar, eat it in a second, then you moved to the snack machines, got 10 more chocolate bars, ate them... Run to the supermarket, you need to eat, you need to eat, fast, faster, the food shouldn't stay too long in your stomach. On the road you see a half eaten sausage somebody dropped, you pick it up and eat it. Stones on it? Doesn't matter, you'll puke it anyway. You buy an extra large pack of chocolate ice-cream, 500g of bread, cheese, ham, salami, 3 cookie packs, milk (to flush it all), more chocolate, white, black, brown, caramel, candies, a pizza that should get warmed up (you do not need to warm that up, it doesn't matter there if there is no oven around). Maybe a pack of chips as well? and some nuts? But well ok, a little package then, one that you can put in your pocket without anybody noticing it, you don't have to pay for everything... you are buying so much anyway...
And if you are thinking, no way I can eat that much, no way all that food fits into one single person. I weighted 56 kg when I was eating like this, and I can tell you... it fits! Your stomach gets so big, you can not imagine, the stomach is so flexible, the normal content of a normal person is 1 to 3 L, for me it reached 15 L! How do I know it? I measured it? Measured what? The food I have eaten? No way, I was too busy engulfing it. I measured the vomit. Puked in a bucket, thrashed the vomit, filled another bucket with puke. Went to the kitchen, got a measuring pot and measured it, before I flushed it down the toilet.
But let's go back to the story. You are in the supermarket. You pray you do not see anybody you know. But still it is ok, if you meet anybody, you can say your kids have some friends coming over, that's why you are buying all that crap. You'll be a bad mother, but they won't know you are a pig. By the time you are paying, you have eaten one cookie pack and a chocolate, you couldn't wait to keep on eating. The seller tells you " Oh wow, you were hungry!" and you say "Yes i didn't have lunch today, did some sports" and you feel like trash, you ugly pig.
Then if you are like me and you can't most of the time eat and throw up at home, then you find yourself a nice and comfortable toilet, the ones for handicapped people are the best, nobody can disturb you. You undress. You sit on the floor. You eat, you eat like a big fat pig, you eat the ice-cream with your fingers, because you forgot about the spoon, then you spoon the ice cream with some cheese, you eat and eat. Throw in the nuts, some chips, a little soda, put the cookies in the milk, so they get softer, you can swallow them faster like that. A piece of bread, some salami, 1o candies, a bar of chocolate. You eat so fast, you don't chew, you don't taste it anymore. The food splashes on your face, on your stomach, on your legs. That's why you undress, Haha! Somebody knocks on the toilet door, Oh NO! you must eat even faster, a sip of milk, a loaf of bread, you have the chocolate (pre)melting on your body because it tastes better like that and you don't have time to let it melt in your mouth.... Still half the bread left, soak it in the milk, eat it eat, eat faster, a peace of chocolate felt down and you see it under the toilet sit, eat it, eat it. Hurra! You made it, you are dirty like a pig, trash is everywhere on the toilet floor, but you managed to push all that stuff down your throat in 10 min!
Sometimes you eat a little too much (Haha! I mean a little too much than too much) such that you think you will die, you feel you are going to explode any moment and then you get scared and you want to get it out and you are so scared, you put your fingers down your throat and it doesn't work, it never works when you are scared. So you panic, you panic, you panic but you keep on putting your fingers in your throat and you are already bleeding and you have only vomited a 100 ml, and it doestn't work and you think now I will die for sure, and somebody will find me when I start to stink and they will come in and find me dead in the middle of the puke and the food and I will be dirty like a pig and they will all know, so you put your finger in again and eventually, you manage, sometimes it takes you 5 minutes, sometimes it takes you 1.5 hours, but you vomit until nothing is left inside anymore.
But let's go back, slow motion... You just finished your meal and you are covered with chips sticked to the chocolate on your legs and you have ice cream all over your face. You look at yourself in the mirror and think big fat dirty pig! Your look at yourself in the mirror and think you look like you are pregnant, pregnant with death. Your bailey looks so big, it is impressive, and you know how it looks like to be pregnant, you have been pregnant twice for god's sake! But being pregnant was beautiful, this is just ugly, you Monster, you ugly pig, disfigured peace of shit! And you get so mad at yourself and then it suddenly all disappears, you have to get busy, get the food out of your system.
And you sit in front of the toilet and begin... put your finger in and put your finger in and put your finger in and eventually something goes out, then you put your finger in again and some more splashes out, dirties your fingers, the drops fly back from inside the toilet into your face. Now you have ice cream, vomit and the water from the toilet on your face. It doesn't matter, have to get rid of everything, so you put your fingers in your mouth again and vomit some more and some more and some more. Once you think nothing is left inside, you flush it with some water and vomit it and some more water and vomit it, until the water comes clear out of your stomach, then you know, you got rid of everything!
You look at yourself in the mirror, your nose has a big long mucous strip dropping down, you eyes are red, you are covered with food, mucous, toilet and puke. You look at your stomach and you do not look pregnant anymore thanks god. You look at the floor and it is a disaster. Food, vomit, packages everywhere, so you start cleaning... Clean fast before you lick the ice cream leftovers from the toilet floor... You trash the garbage, you suck the ice-cream and the vomit with toilet paper, you rub the floor, you rub the walls, you rub the toilet, you trash all that dirty toilet paper and flush, and sometimes the toilet gets overflown and water starts purring out, so you wait and flush again and wait and flush again, and sometimes you put your hands in the toilet and retrieve all that paper stuck in there and feed it little by little back to the toilet.
Then it is time to clean yourself up. You take the soap and clean yourself as good as you can, you dry yourself. Maybe this time you were lucky and remembered to get a hat with you, so your hair didn't get full of vomit, you don't have to worry about that today. You dress again, you make up, you look beautiful for a moment, so thin and pretty. You go out and hope nobody is waiting outside the toilet.
You sit down in your pretty high heels and your nice skirt on a terrace outside and have a cigarette. Every single man that passes by is looking at you, you are proud. You stand up. And damn you are hungry. You can eat it is ok, just a little bit, just one peace of bread and no more and then you eat 2 peaces and you think OMG, this was way too much!!! I'll get fat again, I need to vomit it, but if I am going to make all that vomiting work, then I should better eat something more, so you walk to the next supermarket, on the road you find a cookie some kid dropped and you eat it... Have to save that cookie, poor little cookie that is laying down on the floor, save me, eat me... and .... and ..... and.....
Well eventually you will also sleep (after taking sleeping pills to which you have somehow become addicted to), because when you try to sleep, most of the time you are hungry, your stomach is empty and you think of all the food you have eaten and all the food you would like to eat, so you take a sleeping pill, so at least you won't be eating more and while you are falling sleeping you are thinking of what you will eat for breakfast tomorrow.
Eventually you will drink (alcohol of course), it makes the effect of the cigarettes you have started to smoke stronger and it helps you fall asleep. Then before you got to bed you will vomit all the alcohol so you don't get the extra alcohol calories for nothing while you sleep.
Eventually you will feel discussed when you can not stop eating at a party and somebody jokes to you, "There is enough food, you won't starve, didn't you eat anything today?" and you feel so ashamed and tell to yourself, it is a joke it is a joke, I look think, I look thin, but you know you are a disguised disgusting pig.
So eventually you will stop going to parties.
Eventually you will have a fight with your mother, with your husband and you will decide, Fuck this is a bad day, let's eat.
Eventually you will wake up and your hair looks bad, so you will decide, Fuck this is a bad day, let's eat.
Eventually, you will wake up and it is a bad day so fuck, let's eat.
Eventually, there will be no more good days.
Congratulations! You have won! You have become a big fat pig, you stuff your fingers down your throat, get vomit all around your face, lie to your friends, steal your colleagues chocolate, your parents money to buy some more food, you steal in the supermarket. You lie to your boss to explain why you were just gone for 2 hours (can hardly say you were in the toilet!), miss your kids theater show because you are eating, lie to your kids, to your husband, to your friends. You think of food all the time, of what you can eat, of what you can vomit, of where you can get it and where you can get rid of it. And you are so scared somebody might find out, somebody might see trough your high heels and your perfect make up. You are so unhappy, you have never been so unhappy in your whole life and you wish you would stop and you promise to yourself, I will stop, I will, tomorrow everything will be better. Tomorrow I will stop and I will be a human being again. But tomorrow never comes. At least not unless you really fight for it!
I wish it would have never found out.
I remember thinking "you have to suffer to be beautiful"... a stupid sentence my stepmother told me when I was 8 years old and that never really left my mind since...
And oh.. god, I suffered... My throat was bleeding, my eyes were falling out of their orbits, I was tired. But I did it! I did it! Finally! Now I could eat everything I always wanted! And for sure that was true... I could eat what I had always wanted... I just did not know I could possibly want so much of it.
And at first, that's how it starts, that's why we all get so appealed by it. We think we can control it, we just eat too much now and then we just puke a little now and then. Just a little bit for the days where we could not control ourselves... Then one day, you plan it, you go shopping, you go shopping for all the crap you always wanted to eat and forbid yourself because you are on a diet. You eat it, you puke it.
Everything seems ok, the world is beautiful, you are beautiful, you have control over everything, even your own body, you decide what goes in and what goes out of it and by which means, until the day where yo do not decide anything anymore.
Until the day you eat and puke 3 times a day, your cheeks look like the ones of a hamster from the inflamed salivary glands, your hair falls off, your eyes are periodically blood red from little vesicles that pop while you are purging, your nails break off, your throat is bleeding. You feel ugly, from inside, from outside, you are actually thinner than you ever wanted to be but it doesn't matter. You are still ugly, you ugly little pig... you big ugly fat pig...
You feel ugly. You feel ugly because you just went into your neighbors office and stole his chocolate bar, eat it in a second, then you moved to the snack machines, got 10 more chocolate bars, ate them... Run to the supermarket, you need to eat, you need to eat, fast, faster, the food shouldn't stay too long in your stomach. On the road you see a half eaten sausage somebody dropped, you pick it up and eat it. Stones on it? Doesn't matter, you'll puke it anyway. You buy an extra large pack of chocolate ice-cream, 500g of bread, cheese, ham, salami, 3 cookie packs, milk (to flush it all), more chocolate, white, black, brown, caramel, candies, a pizza that should get warmed up (you do not need to warm that up, it doesn't matter there if there is no oven around). Maybe a pack of chips as well? and some nuts? But well ok, a little package then, one that you can put in your pocket without anybody noticing it, you don't have to pay for everything... you are buying so much anyway...
And if you are thinking, no way I can eat that much, no way all that food fits into one single person. I weighted 56 kg when I was eating like this, and I can tell you... it fits! Your stomach gets so big, you can not imagine, the stomach is so flexible, the normal content of a normal person is 1 to 3 L, for me it reached 15 L! How do I know it? I measured it? Measured what? The food I have eaten? No way, I was too busy engulfing it. I measured the vomit. Puked in a bucket, thrashed the vomit, filled another bucket with puke. Went to the kitchen, got a measuring pot and measured it, before I flushed it down the toilet.
But let's go back to the story. You are in the supermarket. You pray you do not see anybody you know. But still it is ok, if you meet anybody, you can say your kids have some friends coming over, that's why you are buying all that crap. You'll be a bad mother, but they won't know you are a pig. By the time you are paying, you have eaten one cookie pack and a chocolate, you couldn't wait to keep on eating. The seller tells you " Oh wow, you were hungry!" and you say "Yes i didn't have lunch today, did some sports" and you feel like trash, you ugly pig.
Then if you are like me and you can't most of the time eat and throw up at home, then you find yourself a nice and comfortable toilet, the ones for handicapped people are the best, nobody can disturb you. You undress. You sit on the floor. You eat, you eat like a big fat pig, you eat the ice-cream with your fingers, because you forgot about the spoon, then you spoon the ice cream with some cheese, you eat and eat. Throw in the nuts, some chips, a little soda, put the cookies in the milk, so they get softer, you can swallow them faster like that. A piece of bread, some salami, 1o candies, a bar of chocolate. You eat so fast, you don't chew, you don't taste it anymore. The food splashes on your face, on your stomach, on your legs. That's why you undress, Haha! Somebody knocks on the toilet door, Oh NO! you must eat even faster, a sip of milk, a loaf of bread, you have the chocolate (pre)melting on your body because it tastes better like that and you don't have time to let it melt in your mouth.... Still half the bread left, soak it in the milk, eat it eat, eat faster, a peace of chocolate felt down and you see it under the toilet sit, eat it, eat it. Hurra! You made it, you are dirty like a pig, trash is everywhere on the toilet floor, but you managed to push all that stuff down your throat in 10 min!
Sometimes you eat a little too much (Haha! I mean a little too much than too much) such that you think you will die, you feel you are going to explode any moment and then you get scared and you want to get it out and you are so scared, you put your fingers down your throat and it doesn't work, it never works when you are scared. So you panic, you panic, you panic but you keep on putting your fingers in your throat and you are already bleeding and you have only vomited a 100 ml, and it doestn't work and you think now I will die for sure, and somebody will find me when I start to stink and they will come in and find me dead in the middle of the puke and the food and I will be dirty like a pig and they will all know, so you put your finger in again and eventually, you manage, sometimes it takes you 5 minutes, sometimes it takes you 1.5 hours, but you vomit until nothing is left inside anymore.
But let's go back, slow motion... You just finished your meal and you are covered with chips sticked to the chocolate on your legs and you have ice cream all over your face. You look at yourself in the mirror and think big fat dirty pig! Your look at yourself in the mirror and think you look like you are pregnant, pregnant with death. Your bailey looks so big, it is impressive, and you know how it looks like to be pregnant, you have been pregnant twice for god's sake! But being pregnant was beautiful, this is just ugly, you Monster, you ugly pig, disfigured peace of shit! And you get so mad at yourself and then it suddenly all disappears, you have to get busy, get the food out of your system.
And you sit in front of the toilet and begin... put your finger in and put your finger in and put your finger in and eventually something goes out, then you put your finger in again and some more splashes out, dirties your fingers, the drops fly back from inside the toilet into your face. Now you have ice cream, vomit and the water from the toilet on your face. It doesn't matter, have to get rid of everything, so you put your fingers in your mouth again and vomit some more and some more and some more. Once you think nothing is left inside, you flush it with some water and vomit it and some more water and vomit it, until the water comes clear out of your stomach, then you know, you got rid of everything!
You look at yourself in the mirror, your nose has a big long mucous strip dropping down, you eyes are red, you are covered with food, mucous, toilet and puke. You look at your stomach and you do not look pregnant anymore thanks god. You look at the floor and it is a disaster. Food, vomit, packages everywhere, so you start cleaning... Clean fast before you lick the ice cream leftovers from the toilet floor... You trash the garbage, you suck the ice-cream and the vomit with toilet paper, you rub the floor, you rub the walls, you rub the toilet, you trash all that dirty toilet paper and flush, and sometimes the toilet gets overflown and water starts purring out, so you wait and flush again and wait and flush again, and sometimes you put your hands in the toilet and retrieve all that paper stuck in there and feed it little by little back to the toilet.
Then it is time to clean yourself up. You take the soap and clean yourself as good as you can, you dry yourself. Maybe this time you were lucky and remembered to get a hat with you, so your hair didn't get full of vomit, you don't have to worry about that today. You dress again, you make up, you look beautiful for a moment, so thin and pretty. You go out and hope nobody is waiting outside the toilet.
You sit down in your pretty high heels and your nice skirt on a terrace outside and have a cigarette. Every single man that passes by is looking at you, you are proud. You stand up. And damn you are hungry. You can eat it is ok, just a little bit, just one peace of bread and no more and then you eat 2 peaces and you think OMG, this was way too much!!! I'll get fat again, I need to vomit it, but if I am going to make all that vomiting work, then I should better eat something more, so you walk to the next supermarket, on the road you find a cookie some kid dropped and you eat it... Have to save that cookie, poor little cookie that is laying down on the floor, save me, eat me... and .... and ..... and.....
Well eventually you will also sleep (after taking sleeping pills to which you have somehow become addicted to), because when you try to sleep, most of the time you are hungry, your stomach is empty and you think of all the food you have eaten and all the food you would like to eat, so you take a sleeping pill, so at least you won't be eating more and while you are falling sleeping you are thinking of what you will eat for breakfast tomorrow.
Eventually you will drink (alcohol of course), it makes the effect of the cigarettes you have started to smoke stronger and it helps you fall asleep. Then before you got to bed you will vomit all the alcohol so you don't get the extra alcohol calories for nothing while you sleep.
Eventually you will feel discussed when you can not stop eating at a party and somebody jokes to you, "There is enough food, you won't starve, didn't you eat anything today?" and you feel so ashamed and tell to yourself, it is a joke it is a joke, I look think, I look thin, but you know you are a disguised disgusting pig.
So eventually you will stop going to parties.
Eventually you will have a fight with your mother, with your husband and you will decide, Fuck this is a bad day, let's eat.
Eventually you will wake up and your hair looks bad, so you will decide, Fuck this is a bad day, let's eat.
Eventually, you will wake up and it is a bad day so fuck, let's eat.
Eventually, there will be no more good days.
Congratulations! You have won! You have become a big fat pig, you stuff your fingers down your throat, get vomit all around your face, lie to your friends, steal your colleagues chocolate, your parents money to buy some more food, you steal in the supermarket. You lie to your boss to explain why you were just gone for 2 hours (can hardly say you were in the toilet!), miss your kids theater show because you are eating, lie to your kids, to your husband, to your friends. You think of food all the time, of what you can eat, of what you can vomit, of where you can get it and where you can get rid of it. And you are so scared somebody might find out, somebody might see trough your high heels and your perfect make up. You are so unhappy, you have never been so unhappy in your whole life and you wish you would stop and you promise to yourself, I will stop, I will, tomorrow everything will be better. Tomorrow I will stop and I will be a human being again. But tomorrow never comes. At least not unless you really fight for it!
18.05.12
I am a fat winner.
Counting day 10. Never thought I would manage a 2 digits number... I am trying not to count calories (at least not obsessively) and to eat what I want when I want.
Trying to break all my mindset rules. Like no lunch before 11:30. I had lunch once at 10:50 ;) like if I eat something I didn't expect, I just adapt my food plan to it, instead of vomiting it. I feel better, not so moody anymore, I have so much energy I can not believe I was able to move before when I was eating so few. Sometimes I am not hungry, that scares me. Not having to think of food is kind of beautiful but also really scary. There are so many things I can think of, some of them I do not want to think about
I am learning to say no an to ask space for myself. I am enjoying my kids instead of pretending to enjoy them while I secretly put one chocolate after the other in my mouth.
My husband and I decided to stop being a couple an to keep on being parents together. That gave me a lot of space and freedom, such that I felt I can stay home all the time ;) I feel so free I can stay inside my cage.
But well today I feel fat, I looked at myself in the mirror today, naked... I stopped doing that for a while because it scares me to look at myself. I look fat, my stomach is tremendous. No idea how much I weight, I don't do that anymore... Last time I weighted I had 57 kg.
So that's me the big fat winner, winning over B (which I now call Ed, for dissociation purposes, my eating disorder husband... Fuck off Ed). Sometimes proud to win, sometimes missing it so much. Sometimes feeling fat, always feeling guilty, no matter what, I am always guilty, guilty if I eat normal, guilty if I eat too much, guilty if I eat too few...
Fat, guilty winner pig.
Trying to break all my mindset rules. Like no lunch before 11:30. I had lunch once at 10:50 ;) like if I eat something I didn't expect, I just adapt my food plan to it, instead of vomiting it. I feel better, not so moody anymore, I have so much energy I can not believe I was able to move before when I was eating so few. Sometimes I am not hungry, that scares me. Not having to think of food is kind of beautiful but also really scary. There are so many things I can think of, some of them I do not want to think about
I am learning to say no an to ask space for myself. I am enjoying my kids instead of pretending to enjoy them while I secretly put one chocolate after the other in my mouth.
My husband and I decided to stop being a couple an to keep on being parents together. That gave me a lot of space and freedom, such that I felt I can stay home all the time ;) I feel so free I can stay inside my cage.
But well today I feel fat, I looked at myself in the mirror today, naked... I stopped doing that for a while because it scares me to look at myself. I look fat, my stomach is tremendous. No idea how much I weight, I don't do that anymore... Last time I weighted I had 57 kg.
So that's me the big fat winner, winning over B (which I now call Ed, for dissociation purposes, my eating disorder husband... Fuck off Ed). Sometimes proud to win, sometimes missing it so much. Sometimes feeling fat, always feeling guilty, no matter what, I am always guilty, guilty if I eat normal, guilty if I eat too much, guilty if I eat too few...
Fat, guilty winner pig.
07.05.12
Fuck off Ed.!
Managed 4 days without. No big deal, however it feels different, I don't count so much anymore, I enjoy eating and I enjoy cooking again... ;) and when I binge eat and vomit, it is a lot less than I used to. I can eat with my kids again. I enjoy life and when I fail I just try better... So fuck off Ed (that's my Eating Disorder)! Fuck off! I won't go and eat those cookies you are trying to seduce me with!
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