Will I be free?

I've got my back against the wall
But I can still hear the blue sky call
The chains that hold me back inside
Are the prisons of my mind, yeah

Free, come set me free, down on my knees
I still believe you can save me from me
Come set me free, come set me free
Inside this shell there's a prison cell
Inside this shell there's a prison cell

I try to live the light of day
Why would I do what I hate?

(Switchfoot, "Free" lyrics, first time i heard this song was when I went bungee jumping last summer... Great song!)

Anyway screwed up again yesterday morning and I felt so hopeless... vomited 5 times in the last 36 hours! What a failure! I'll never make it again a single day... And the sun was shining and the air was fresh and it made me so sad that I cannot enjoy it... I suddenly wanted to paint so much, so I sat and painted for an hour or so... First everything black, and I cried and cried and cried and hit the paper with my pencils ;) then I put some colors and some more colors and some more black and by the time I finished I was happy and it gave me strength to hold trough the day... And the sun was still shining and it made me happy.

So I am counting in hours again... 36 vomiting free ;)

Yesterday I also went to the library, got myself a book: "Food disorder for dummies", sounded perfect for me ;)

I learned something, people who have food disorders often think in black and white. One example: I think I it eat healthy (white) or I think it is too much (black), from good to bad there is only a quarter of a piece of bread... Another example: I am perfect or I am totally worthless. Nothing in between... So I try to do that as well, find the grey spaces in my thoughts, in my head, to help my heart.

Will I be free?

I will never be free.

(my automatic black answer... and my grey answer... )

I am not trapped, so who knows... maybe I am free... and honestly... right now, I feel free.

Screwed up and screwed up and screwed up ...

On Sunday (would like to be Day 3) I screwed up three times, I did not have a single meal I did not vomit at the end. Every meal finished in a short orgy of food flushed down and up my throat. On Sunday evening I decided to get separated from my Husband, then I eat some more, then I forgot about it... Didn't really think about it again afterwards.

Then I Hold till Wednesday evening (would like to be Day 3) eat and vomit twice! But ok it was a party, and parties are difficult... Today I screwed up again, in the evening... Twice. And I am really not proud of me. Sunday was a hard day ok, emotionally talking, yesterday was a party with a lot of nice food and I really wanted to try a little bit of everything and when I drink, my resistance to anything gets smaller... But today... Today was a good day, really, I was happy, I wasn't hungry, I made sport, I wasn't tired, I was happy, the sun was shining, I was looking forward to my evening with the kids... And then wtf! I eat a peace of bred with salami and felt so bad about it because actually I wasn't hungry... And then I just kept eating and vomiting and eating and vomiting. I am just such a looser sometimes...

My 3 "stop B" plans

So little update. I screwed up on Friday. But just once, which somehow felt like a victory anyway. Then I manage to hold till Day 4, which is also much more than I did lately, but still did not beat my record of last week. Relapsed again on Tuesday Morning and on Wednesday Evening. Now I count Day 2 again. For those of you who are seeking for advice... I am following 3 kind of plans to keep me going on without eating and vomiting (well let's say all too much).
1. First I write down everything I eat. I mean everything, in gramms and in calories, also when I eat too mich.

2. Second I try to eat 4 times a day 500 kcal each meal, and what is most important I eat carbohydrates (potatoes, rice or pasta), at every meal. First I tried filling myself up with vegetables and salads and well you can eat a lot of that for 500 kcal... But it never worked for more than 1-2 days, now I eat a lot less, less vegetables and some carbs, 500 kcal total still, the first day was difficult because my stomach size is huge I guess, but then it got better and I am a lot less hungry now. Still hungry very often but less...

3. And then when I manage to hold for some days I go and shop something nice, I don't really have money but I think, like this instead of spending it on food flushed down the toilet, I spend it for something I can keep. Something that makes me feel beautiful. I need that. I feel so ugly sometimes I want to cry. Not my body, I love my body, I lost 8 kg with B, I weight 57 kg, my dream weight... I feel ugly when I eat, in those moments when I eat a lot I have to hide myself, I can't stand somebody watching me, then I am ugly when Ivomit, and I look at myself in the mirror, swollen red eyes, mucus dripping down my nose, face full of vomit splashes. Disgusting. Anyway. like this I feel double beautiful, no eating, no vomiting and I nice dress.


I wish you lots of light and patience. No more B!

Hope dies last...

Manage to hold 4 days long just to relapse again on Friday morning.. Big fight with my husband, so I said f**k everything and eat my rage until I almost exploded. The good news was, my stomach got reduced to half it's size... The bad part of it is, I was so full I thought I will die... The good one, well I hope it helps me going on, maybe soon I won't be feeling hungry all day long. I again count day 3, last time I eat and vomit was on Friday morning... So here I am.. Hoping again, to survive day 1, and day 2, and day 3, and thinking that I will never make it on day 1, day 2, day 3... The one thing that keeps me going is this feeling I had Thursday night, this feeling I did not have for months anymore, this little great feeling, when you can just watch at the stars and enjoy their light, the feeling that you can let a piece of chocolate melt in your mouth for 2 min and enjoy it far more than by eating 200g of it, the feeling that life can be beautiful again, right here, right now, just like that. And if I take some (few ;-)) weight, then be it... I love my life. I won't give up (so easily)!

Think about your life... What price have you paid to get it?

Ok, this morning I woke up at 4 am. Day 4 :) or Morning 4, I don't want to get ahead of me.

Hard day. I can't sleep. I am hungry.

I shouldn't eat before 8 am, otherwise I'll overshoot with the amount of calories and then I'll loose. I eat 4 meals a day, 500 kcal each at 8.00,12.00,16.00 and 20.00.

I actually started this blog to get my hands of the fridge. Can't eat when I am writing. Well not true I could eat, I can't binge eat. When I binge eat, I can't do anything, just eat. Sometimes I tried getting myself a nice movie to watch and think I'll do like I used to, before I got bulimic. Just me and B: eat an ice cream pot, enjoy it, watch a movie, then vomit it. Result: watched 5 min of the movie, eat 4 ice cream pots, enjoyed the first spoon, watched 15 more min on the toilet sit, just B and me.

Anyway, right now I am ok, didn't feel so alive in months. I can actually enjoy siting in the sun for lunch or having a cigarette on the swing before going to sleep and not as a ritual after vomiting.

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. Eating makes me sick. But I'm hungry. Hungry for everything, for all I won't live, for all I won't ever get to know, for all the time I don't have and for all the thing I will never be able to experience. I wanted to live so much, I wanted to live so much, I didn't know what to try first. Bungee jumping. Getting a lover. Trying new food. Having sex in weird places. Paragliding. Falling in love again. Biking around. Make a world trip. Write a book. Live in a different country. Climb the Mount Everest. So I tried everything (almost :)) and then I lost it all. Can't enjoy anything. Now most of the time, it's just me and B. Now I eat. I eat everything I can't have, everything I won't live. So I can feel sad for myself, for having eaten so much and not anymore for what I won't be doing.

I wanted to live so much... that I died.

But sometimes, well, anyway, I am happy. Morning 4 :) Going to take a shower now... Wish me luck.

Do you love life? Do you live life?

I love life. That's what I keep repeating myself... Hoping that one day I will believe it again. Live it again. Bulimia free.

Blog: day 1.
Eating healthy: day 3.
No purging: day 3. I have not hold so long for over 3 months. So right now great success... But bulimia has tought me more than that... Every time I hope.. I fail again. So I better don't hope, just know what is going to happen in the next 2 min and by now, I know... in the next 2 min I won't eat.

But as Samuel Becket said: Try again. Fail again. Fail better. So what? If I eat tomorrow, if I vomit tomorrow? I will still have won, 3 days long... Next time I'll fail better.

Bulimia: day 225 (I guess, and it does always surprise me that I can not remember my first time... First time eating, first time purging, with such an innocence I guess... I do not remember the first time of something that has become the most important thing in my life... I do remember my first time having sex though... ;) ) l

Laying down in bed waiting for sleep to free me. Then tomorrow will be today and it will be day 4.